Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada Read Online Free Page A

one thing to be said in favour of carrying over your time, you do tend to give birth more quickly.

    ADA:
    I didn't, I was in labour longer than Atlee. And I didn't have a normal birth when it finally came, either.

    CISSIE:
    You didn't have a Caesarean did you?

    ADA:
    No but I was once very friendly with a Spaniard. Pedro.

    CISSIE:
    So it sounds like you had complications giving birth to your Ernest?

    ADA:
    I'll say. One of them was that they put me in the wrong ward when I got there, they put me in the ward where they treated disorders of the bowels.

    CISSIE:
    Well I assume you soon told them that you should have been in the maternity ward.

    ADA:
    Yes but not before they'd given me an enema.

    CISSIE:
    So when did you go?

    ADA:
    About two minutes after they'd given it me, and I only just made it to the lavvy in time, thank God there wasn't a queue.

    CISSIE:
    I mean when did you go to the maternity ward?

    ADA:
    The following day. That was worse if anything. I can't begin to tell you what I went through in that maternity ward Cissie, terrible it was, I had more gas and air than a barrage balloon. And the midwife was hopeless, I was in labour for thirty six hours before she realised I still had my tights on.

    CISSIE:
    Oh you poor dear.

    ADA:
    Then finally my water broke. One of the nurses said she hadn't seen anything like it since she saw 'The Dam Busters' at the pictures.

    CISSIE:
    Still it was all worth it wasn't it, because when it was finally all over you had a lovely baby boy to show for it.

    ADA:
    Ten pounds, four ounces and five stitches. I'm very small made you know.

    CISSIE:
    Me too, I had six with my youngest. Then I suppose Bert came to visit you?

    ADA:
    Yes. When he held the baby he said it had a cleft chin.

    CISSIE:
    Your Ernest hasn't got a cleft chin.

    ADA:
    I know, Bert had him upside down.

    CISSIE:
    The wastrel would be drunk I suppose, from wetting the baby's head.

    ADA:
    No, when he came he didn't even know I'd had a baby.

    CISSIE:
    It would be quite a surprise for him then.

    ADA:
    It was, he thought I'd only gone in hospital to have my appendicts out.

    ***************

    PRISON VISITORS

    CISSIE AND ADA ARE IN A BARE ANTE-ROOM WAITING TO VISIT ADA'S HUSBAND BERT, WHO IS IN PRISON. CISSIE TAKES IN HER SURROUNDINGS AND SNIFFS WITH DISAPPROVAL.

    CISSIE:
    So this is what the inside of a prison looks like, only I've always wondered.

    ADA:
    Well thanks to my Bert you know now.

    CISSIE:
    Strangeways.

    ADA:
    Yes Bert has very strange ways, you won't believe some of the things he's tried to make me do in that bed, Cissie.

    CISSIE:
    Utterly depressing in here isn't it. However four walls do not a prison make.

    ADA:
    They made a prison for me when the knob came off our lavatory door. I shouted myself hoarse. You should have seen my tonsils, they looked like I'd been gargling with the Harpic. By the way Cissie, thanks for coming with me, to visit Bert.

    CISSIE:
    Against my better judgement I can assure you, my lady. I shudder to think what my Leonard would think if he knew where I was. He thinks I've gone to Debenhams pricing something for the bathroom. I'm toying with the idea of a bidet.

    ADA:
    Perhaps Bert will let you use his bucket.

    CISSIE:
    Tell me, how is the reprobate coping with being incarcerated?

    ADA:
    Well you can hardly tell except for a slight limp.

    CISSIE:
    I hope he isn't getting too depressed.

    ADA:
    No I think he's quite taken to it actually. I believe he's very friendly with the Prison Governor.

    CISSIE:
    What gives you that idea?

    ADA:
    Well they've given him his own cell, in solitary.

    CISSIE:
    They've put him in solitary because he's been misbehaving himself, you fool! They'll have put him on bread and water.

    ADA:
    It'll be a home from home for him then.

    CISSIE:
    Well at least when you see him you'll be able to bring him succour.

    ADA:
    Yes I've bought him a bag of Mint Imperials. And some stomach medicine, I thought I'd better.

    CISSIE:
    Stomach