Jews vs Zombies Read Online Free

blame.’
    ‘Why do they prefer to employ Jews?’
    Yehoshua patted his shoulder and wore a condescending expression. ’Read a little history, my friend.’
    Which he did. Right after reading about the factory. Right after coming to terms with his decision to find some meaning for his vacuous existence.
    A week after he met Yehoshua at the forest, Solvi arrived at The Factory. He found himself in a corridor teeming with dozens of bearded men. To his surprise, each time one of them was ushered into the office for an interview, he was instantly asked to leave.
    ‘Vot more do you vont? Not only am I a Jew, but I’m a dead one! Even now you refuse to let me be a part of your vorld?!’ complained a gaunt creature of unimpressive height, overlooking the strange dance of his lopsided beard with his twisting yarmulke.
    ‘I came back to claim the blame, I came back to name my shame,’ shouted another.
    The loudest of them all climbed a bench, a minute after he was kicked out of the office, and cried aloud, ‘You have no idea! We are to blame for everything! Cancer! Earthquakes! Nine Eleven! Aids! Global Warming! Triglycerides! Famine! Hell, if not for us, who will the world come after?’
    When Solvi entered the office, a middle-aged man greeted him with a smile and said, ‘How refreshing.’
    Solvi sat and cleared his throat before speaking. ‘I’m with the formerly dead.’
    The man said, ‘Yes, I guessed so. So, what are you after? Robbery? Tax evasion? Drug dealing? Rape? Murder? Or perhaps some exquisite monstrosity of the highest degree?’
    ‘Before I say anything, I’d like to point out I’m not a Jew.’
    The man exclaimed, ‘No!’ and giggled. ‘Didn’t take you for one. Let’s make one thing clear: you don’t have to be a Jew to work for us, but you have to understand what’s expected of you. Once you assume the blame for a certain criminal act, there’s no turning back. You will be held accountable for it ad infinitum. You have to believe it. Just like those morons who believe the Jews killed Jesus, even after the Pope himself has absolved them of that imaginary crime.’
    ‘But it’s not the same, is it?’
    ‘It is, for you have to believe you are to blame to the same extent that those who shout “J’accuse!” believe it. That’s the only way to be a convincing scapegoat.’
    ‘But isn’t my taking the blame proof enough of my…?’
    ‘Not at all. Once again, it is only convincing if both condemner and condemnee believe in it. Credibility’s the name of the game.’
    ‘And the fact that you’re seeking dead Jews for this job?’
    ‘It’s quite obvious, isn’t it? If you’re to be blamed just because of who you are, at least try and get something out of it, right?’
    ‘And what about me?’
    ‘You seem like a very conscientious piece of work. Why don’t you go and mull things over?’
    ‘No need for that.’ Solvi leaned over the desk and extended his hand. ‘I need meaning.’
    Three years later, prisoner Solvi Lumsvenson, serving time for manslaughter (a hit-and-run accident) was once again running out of patience. Having undergone a self-inflicted brainwash, Solvi came to believe he had been the man behind the wheel responsible for the tragic death of Marketa Gloon, an 86-year-old woman who was crossing the street, pushing a trolley full of groceries back from her weekly visit to the supermarket. But the principle of eternal temporariness suddenly applied to his sense of guilt. Three years were price enough, as far as he was concerned, to pay for a mistake, as serious as it might be.
    Unfortunately, he had another year before the authorities would let him go. Now, more than ever, he wanted out. Out of this prison cell, out of this city, out of this world. He tried escaping for the umpteenth time and was shot in the back. How he hated that moment when the guard gave him a hand and helped him up, muttering, ‘Still no luck.’
    But on his fourth return to his cell from