How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Two Read Online Free Page A

How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Two
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the way here, that’s the outhouse. Feel free to use it when you need to take care of your business.”
     
    The kid in her arms finally spoke. “Poo poo.”
     
    We were left to settle in and everyone flopped down on the bouncy straw. Compared to sleeping on the ground, this was like a bed of clouds. Full of food and feeling safe for once, we lay there revelling in the luxury of not having to fear for our lives. Once the farmer returned, we might even be able to get a lift into the city. It seemed too good to be true. Which, of course, it was.
     
    The warmth in my stomach shifted downwards. I struggled to my feet and decided to give the outhouse a visit. As I walked out of the barn, I could hear voices drifting across from the farmhouse. I couldn’t make out any words, but the occasional hooting laugh made it sound like a jovial get together.
     
    The outhouse was the size of a garden shed, the kind you can just about fit a wheelbarrow and lawnmower into. There was a trough of water beside it where you could even wash your hands. All the mod cons.
     
    I opened the door expecting the usual hole in the ground, but was stunned to find an actual toilet, with a wooden seat. There was no flush, so it was probably just a deep hole with a chair over it, but it felt like I’d just walked into the penthouse suite of some fancy hotel.
     
    There was even toilet paper! Well, a stack of dried leaves, but they really felt smooth and soft. I sat there, enjoying the near normality, when the sound of water splashing told me someone was probably washing their hands in the trough. I then overheard the following conversation:
     
    “Aw, you lazy bums. You still not got that tree stump out the top field? What’re you like?”
     
    “What you mean, lazy? That’s damn hard work. I’d like to see you try.”
     
    “Yeah, Jarrad, we really be putting our backs into it.”
     
    “Three days you been at it. Lazy is right.”
     
    There seemed to be three speakers, all young men.
     
    “You can shut your mouth! My hands are ruined from pulling on that rope. Why can’t we use one of the horses to help?”
     
    There was the sound of someone being slapped.
     
    “Because Da’s taken the horses to the city, you dimwit. You expect him to pull the wagon his self? You better get finished with that stump by this afternoon, or there’ll be hell to pay.”
     
    “Aw, I’m so tired. We haven’t had a break in forever. When we gonna have some fun, Jarrad?”
     
    “Oh, it’s fun you want, is it? Well you can forget about it. I told you some Visitors killed the Mouse King, didn’t I? Until a new mouse colony moves in, we don’t do anything. We can’t have people wondering where their girls have gone if there aren’t any mice to blame.”
     
    “A new mouse colony? Aw, Jarrad, that could take years.”
     
    “It might. Or a few months. You can never tell with them mousey bastards. In the meantime, you both keep your mouths shut while these Visitors are staying with us.”
     
    “Do you think they’re the ones who killed the Mouse King?”
     
    “Nah, according to Ma, these are real green. She says they have a couple of girls with them, though.”
     
    “Really? Are they young?”
     
    “Hold your horses, now. Let’s see what the men are like first. Don’t want to start any trouble if they look like they can handle themselves.”
     
    “We can take care of them, Jarrad. Come on, I need my fun.”
     
    “You can always go back to shagging chickens—hur, hur, hur.”
     
    “Shut your mouth. That was only the once.”
     
    “Sure, sure it was.”
     
    The voices drifted off as they moved away. I sat there, trousers around my ankles, sweat pouring down my face, feeling incredibly lucky. Lucky that they hadn’t noticed my presence on the other side of the thin wooden wall, and lucky that I was in the perfect place to shit myself.
     
    I waited a few seconds to makes sure they really had gone, then I snuck out and returned to the
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