How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Three Read Online Free Page B

said something to me unprovoked. “It’s almost like he’s deranged.”
     
    “Standard vegan behaviour, if you ask me,” I said. “No point discovering the secret to good health if you can’t bore everyone to death about it.”
     
    “I don’t know. The way he goes on about how precious life is one minute, and then wants to wipe out whole species the next makes me think his disease might be degenerative. If it’s got to his brain, might be dementia of some kind.”
     
    I turned to look at her. She was staring at the back of Jespert’s head as though she was x-raying it. She wasn’t carrying any bags or weapons—they’d all been left behind when we fled—and even her clothes were borrowed from Claire. She strolled along beside me, occasionally brushing away the strands of hair fluttering around her head. Sappy thoughts filled my head.
     
    I focused on the semi-decomposed mutant walking ahead of me. It was less disturbing. “I don’t think he’s that strange. Self-righteous people are often full of shit.”
     
    “And did you notice how he always speaks out of the right side of his mouth?”
     
    “Maybe his jaw’s about to fall off.”
     
    “I think he might be deaf in the left ear so he pushes his voice to the other side so he can hear himself better.”
     
    “Are you a detective on the side?” I asked her.
     
    “Mm, what? Oh, haha, no. I just like figuring people out.”
     
    I sped up a little and approached Jespert from the left side. “Is it much further?” I said in a low voice.
     
    There was no response. Then he suddenly turned towards me. “Oh sorry, did you say something? I’m afraid I’m a little deaf in this ear.”
     
    “I was just wondering if we were close.”
     
    “Almost there. Just past those trees up ahead. And please be mindful of what you say. The others aren’t as forgiving as me when it comes to tolerating bigotry.”
     
    “Ah, okay. Sure. Thanks.” Nothing like being accused of a hate crime to take the wind out of your sails. I slowed so I fell behind him again. Jenny was grinning.
     
    “I told you he was deaf in that ear,” she said, unbearably smug and beautiful at the same time.
     
    I grinned back and gave up all hope of getting together with her. I had no chance so why torture myself? I felt a lot better once I accepted that.
     
    It took another half an hour before we reached our destination. It wasn’t what I was expecting, although it did kind of make sense.
     
    “Erm, isn’t that a graveyard?” I said. Ahead of us were dozens of unkempt and decrepit tombstones. Vines and weeds grew everywhere, creating weird looking silhouettes in the starlight. There were even a few crumbling statues. A boy blowing a horn and an angel with four wings.
     
    The others had formed into a tight knot of anxiety behind me.
     
    “Don’t go jumping to conclusions,” Jespert warned us. “Yes, this is an old cemetery that’s too full to be of use to anyone. No one comes here, not humans, not lizardmen. That’s why it‘s perfect for those of us who want to be left alone in peace and quiet. They’re all too afraid of the ghosts. This way.”
     
    He set off through the tombstones.
     
    “Did he say ghosts?” said Flossie. They all stood there shivering. It wasn’t particularly cold.
     
    “Oh come on,” I said. “It’ll be fine. If it’s one of those girl ghosts with the long black hair we’ll easily beat the shit out of her.”
     
    I followed Jespert through the gravestones, sword in hand just in case. Sadly, Sadako never appeared.
     
    In the middle of the cemetery there was a stone building. A crypt. The doorway was a gaping black hole. Jespert disappeared into it. I paused in the doorway and looked back at the Scooby gang  jostling to let someone else go first.
     
    “After you.”
     
    “No, please, after you.”
     
    “Ladies first.”
     
    “You’re a lady, too!”
     
    If there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna