How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight Read Online Free

ONE does it better than an ancient spirit. They know curses we’ve never even heard of. They can shout louder, more often, and have the power to add REVERB and ECHO to your voice.
    And all the time they’re burning YOUR calories and helping YOU keep the pounds off.
    Ideal for getting rid of those unwelcome visitors. Have your in-laws overstayed their welcome? Is someone cold calling you about solar panels, or standing on your doorstep with a religious pamphlet? Unleash your inner Ancient and give them two minutes of ripe Ancient Sumerian — with full reverb. It works every time.

Exorcism

    Exorcism is the final stage of your diet. When you’ve reached your target weight, or perhaps your house is surrounded by incensed villagers with pitchforks, give your local Crapper Clinic a call and we’ll fix you up with an exorcist of your choice.
    We have exorcists of all denominations, and every possible orientation. And we have exorcism ceremonies to match all pocketbooks. You can have the event catered ... even filmed, or you could have a quiet exorcism in your own home. It’s up to you.
    But is it dangerous?
    Some people — the Skeptical, the Cruel, the Uninformed and the Mean-spirited (SCUM for short) — like to spread LIES about exorcisms, painting the process as dangerous and excruciatingly painful. I expect they say the same about childbirth. In a way that’s what exorcism is — the birth of the new, slimline you.
    And it’s an entirely natural process — a few incantations, a little salt, an encouraging word or two. It’s NOTHING to be frightened of as long as you use a board-certified exorcist. At Crapper Clinics ALL our exorcists have been certified. Some more than once!
    Visit our website at www.CrapperClinics.con to view our latest list of exorcists sorted by:
    Denomination:
    Anglican
    Roman Catholic
    Martian Catholic
    Wiccan
    Latter Day Charismatic Anabaptist Hussite Alliance (non aligned)
    Santerian
    LaVeyan Satanist
    Demonic (various)
    and Orientation:
    Head facing forward
    Head facing backward
    No head
    NEW to Crapper Clinics! From next year you’ll be able to keep in touch with your old demon via Possessed Reunited (www.fiendsreunited.con) a website run by Crapper Clinics.

Side Features and Other Things to Watch Out For

    As I mentioned earlier, at Crapper Clinics we don’t talk about side effects. We talk about side features, because that’s what they are — opportunities. The ‘glass half empty’ person whines and threatens to sue everyone in sight, but the ‘glass half full’ person thinks ‘Paralympic gold medal!’
    We LOVE the ‘glass half full’ person.
    But to be fair and balanced and NOT AT ALL one-sided, here are a few side features of possession we’re legally obliged to tell you about.
    Temporary Physical Changes
    During possession, and sometimes for up to a week afterwards, some clients may experience ‘physical augmentation.’ This is because some spirits and demons emit a morphological field which, in exceptional circumstances, can alter the physical appearance of the host.
    Whoa, Brick, doesn’t that sound scary?
    Not if you say it quickly.
    And often this is a GOOD thing. Various parts of your body get bigger — who hasn’t wanted that?
    It’s true that some get smaller, and some may change places, but who HASN’T wanted an arm on their kneecap to save bending down to tie shoelaces?
    Or feel the waft of cooling air on a hot summer day from a pair of REALLY large ears?
    Okay, so occasionally this can be worrying. But this is what dark rooms were invented for! Go and hide away for a week with all the curtains drawn, and wait. After all, it’s only a week, and when you emerge you’ll be slim! And the right way up.
    Dental Problems

    Studies have shown that Projectile Vomiting can have a detrimental effect on tooth enamel. But don’t despair! Crapper Clinics have