How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight Read Online Free Page A

dental plans to suit all budgets. We even have a ‘Sabre Tooth’ top-up plan for those clients who pair with exotically toothed animals and need an incisor reduction.
    Slight Coma
    Accidents happen. Not at Crapper Clinics because we make sure that every host and demon are compatible. But, if the correct checks are not carried out, and the demon is incompatible, then the host — that’s you — might lapse into a slight coma.
    Note the word ‘slight.’ This is NOT Persistent Vegetative State (not to be confused with the natural consequences of joining with the Angolan Carrot Demon or the Persistent Saucy State that follows joining with a Succubus). It’s a temporary slight coma which a ‘glass half full’ person recognizes as ‘going to sleep fat, and waking up thin.’
    Unexpected Presents
    Sharing your body with some demons can be like sharing your house with a cat. You occasionally wake up to the remains of a dead vole on your carpet, but the BENEFITS of having the cat around OUTWEIGH the carcasses.
    It’s the same with being possessed. Yes, you might find pieces of your neighbor strewn across the lawn, but ... you’re losing weight! I call this the ‘Lawn Half Empty’ scenario. The negamist sees the body parts and thinks, REPERCUSSIONS! The posimist doesn’t look out the window.
    It’s all a matter of perspective. And insurance. We recommend hosts take out the Crapper ‘Third Party Accidental Manslaughter’ policy which will cover you against all likely charges — including cannibalism.
    We also recommend ticking the Parentage Insurance option if you’re thinking of choosing a sex demon or one of those crazy insectoid aliens. You might get lucky and fail a paternity test with your alien/human hybrid DNA, but courts take a dim view of people being tied up in a cocoon and having eggs implanted inside them.
    While on the topic of the law, please take a minute to sign our online petition to have ‘Not Guilty by Reason of Possession’ recognized as a valid plea in a criminal trial.
    Guilt
    Post-Possession guilt is fairly common. It’s a bit like survivor guilt. You’ve survived. You’re like ... REALLY thin and buff. And ... maybe a few people got killed.
    Or eaten.
    It happens.
    Not very often, but — according to the out of court settlement I was forced to sign — I have to admit that occasionally it does.
    So, what can I say?
    Well, first off, don’t beat yourself up about it! Move on. You weren’t responsible. You weren’t driving. You were the passenger. It’s the same as if you were sitting in a car and your mother suddenly went berserk, swerved onto the sidewalk and wiped out a line of shoppers. Okay, she probably wouldn’t have climbed out the car and eaten them all, but, even if she had, it still wouldn’t be your fault!
    At Crapper Clinics AfterCare we’ll teach you how to seek out the positive. Okay, so you might have eaten one of your co-workers, but don’t think GUILT, think BOOK DEAL and FILM RIGHTS.
    Our AfterCare is TOTAL SERVICE which means we look after your mental AND your financial well being. We have a top Hollywood agent and publicist on staff ready to help turn your life around.
    Ectoplasm Stains
    Just how do you remove ectoplasm stains? They’re not acid. They’re not alkaline. They’re not of this world.
    Wait a minute, Brick. What IS ectoplasm?
    Good question. It’s a gauze-like substance that some spirits can cause to ooze from various orifices of your body.
    I don’t like the sound of that, Brick.
    Which is why you should tick the ‘no ectoplasm’ box on your application form.
    But before you do, think carefully. Some spirits offer to call up dead relatives for you. This can be a fun way to spend an evening — having a good chat with the dear departed. But, to do so, most spirits insist on using ectoplasm to drape a physical