Helens-of-Troy Read Online Free

“Always was, always will be. I don’t
know what you ever saw in him. He’s not good looking, he’s not
rich, he’s just ― hairy. But I’ll pretend to be sad if you want me
to be.”
    Ellie pouted, pulling her black
lipsticked bottom lip out as far as she could, just for
effect.
    Helen thought for a moment before
answering her daughter. Tony was ungodly hairy. “What did I see in
him? I don’t know. I suppose I was looking for a protector for us.
Tony is big and strong. He’s really a nice man, Ellie. You just
never gave him a chance.”
    “Do you have one of those fun-house
mirrors in your bedroom or something? Tony? Big and strong?” Ellie
snapped back. “Mom, the man has a complex. He likes to kill things
for a living. He keeps referring to himself in the third person as
“The Exterminator,” in this weird Schwarzenegger-type voice. That
alone should have been your first clue. Is he Austrian? No. Should
he really have an accent of any kind? No. He was born here. Has he
ever even been to a foreign country? No. He’s a
suburban-pest-controller-hit-man-wanna-be and I’m glad we’re
leaving.”
    “How do you really feel, Ellie?” Helen
commented, opening the passenger door angrily. Ellie had pushed her
too far. “Get in the van. Enough of the lip for a little while,
okay? I want to get to Nan's before it gets too late. And for your
information, Tony and I went to an exterminator conference once, in
Mexico. So he has been out of the country. For a day or
two.”
    “There’s really such a thing as an
exterminator conference?” Ellie rolled her eyes at her mother. “I
stand corrected.”
    “Grow up, Ellie,” Helen said, hopping
into the driver’s seat and fastening her seatbelt. She started the
van up. The muffler made a huge racket.
    “So much for sneaking into town,” Ellie
said. “I guess I’ll just have to be satisfied with making a grand
entrance. It’s a good thing I’m flexible. Be proud that you’ve
raised a daughter that isn’t frightened by change. I’ll go far in
life.”
    As Helen put the van into gear, Beastie
Bear did a face-plant from his spot on the dashboard.
    “It’s probably from the fumes in this
van,” Ellie commented. “Can’t you smell it, Mom? It’s disgusting in
here. It’s kind of a mix of powdered insecticide, dead bugs, an old
gym bag and a hint of pepperoni. There may even be notes of alcohol
on the nose, and that’s not good for a scent. Eau-de-knock-off.”
She reached down and pulled a beer bottle out from under her seat.
“Ah ha! The nose never lies.”
    Rolling down the window, Ellie tossed
the bottle onto the lawn, much to her mother’s dismay. “We wouldn’t
want to be pulled over with it in the car, would we?" Ellie asked
with mock innocence. “That muffler is like a magnet for the cops.
Come ticket me, I’m noisy. Hmm, maybe I’d better check under your
seat too, Mom.”
    Helen took a sniff of the air. There
was an odd chemical smell in the vehicle, but that was pretty much
an occupational hazard. “Okay, you’re right about the van. I’ll get
it back here and make the swap for the convertible as soon as I
can.” She looked over at Beastie Bear. He looked like he had passed
out. “Tell you what, Ellie,” she said, reaching over and propping
him back up, “I’ll let you out around the block from Nan’s if you’d
like, okay? You don’t have to show up in the van. I’d walk with
you, but you know, we’ve got all this baggage we’re carrying. I
mean luggage. Wrong choice of noun.”
    Ellie laughed. “Thanks Mom, but you’ll
need my smart mouth around to protect you when the neighbors see
the van. You haven’t stood up to verbal abuse very well
lately.”
    Right again, Helen thought. There was a
time when she could joust with her daughter for hours, quite
impressed with the vocabulary of her child. But now Ellie was a
teenager and that same vocabulary was thrown at her in a whole new
way. And even though her daughter probably