Glasgow Urban Myths Read Online Free Page A

extremists who woke up after a one-night stand in a hotel only to find that the girl he was with was gone and had written “Welcome to the world of Aids” in lipstick on the bathroom mirror which terrified him because he knew that it is just as easy to get Aids from heterosexual intercourse as it is from homosexual sodomy with an IV drug user because when the US government created Aids to commit genocide against black people who aren’t adversely affected by the minimum wage with the aid of immigrants who don’t give anything back to the community while smoking a cigarette that has no more been proven to give you cancer than evolution has been proven to occur because it’s only a theory and there are no real fossils and it violates the second law of thermodynamics unlike creation science which is not religious and fear of irradiated food which is rational because we know the government can improve our lives by suspending the laws of supply and demand to make prices fair and deciding how many people of each race and sex should be in universities and jobs which is good, because when control of everyday life is centralized in the New Labour-controlled state the people who make the decisions are never capricious or high-handed or make decisions favouring their friends and family and people who pay them money because if only we can get the right people into positions of control it will be safe to let them run things because clever people can work out how to allocate resources and what fair prices are for goods and services and work and who should be allowed to do what much more efficiently and constructively than just letting millions of people make their own decisions about what they should eat or drink or smoke or for whom they should work for under what conditions for how much money on what schedule based on their own perceptions, concerns and plans in accordance with their best interests.

    But I digress.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN
    A Craigton tale

    A group of teenage girls were having a party one night when one of them had an empty (parents away for the weekend) and began to exchange ghost stories. One girl claimed that the old man who had been buried earlier that week in the cemetery at the back of the scheme had been buried alive. She claimed that, if you tried, you could hear him still scratching at the lid of his coffin. The other girls called her bluff and told her that she wouldn’t do it. They said she was too afraid to go down to the grave that very night. They continued to challenge her and eventually she gave in and accepted their challenge. Since she was going to go alone, she needed to prove to the others that she actually followed through with the task. She was supposed to take a wooden stake with her (presumably also useful against vampires) and drive it into the ground so the next day the girls would know that she had been to the grave.
    She headed off, stake in hand, and never returned. The other girls assumed she had chickened out and had just gone home ashamed.
    The next morning as they passed the cemetery they saw her there at the old man’s grave. Kneeling in the dark she had accidentally staked her dressing gown to the ground and when she tried to move away from the grave and felt the tugging, she died of fright.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN
    Abominable a bomb in a bull story and a little old lady. Bless.

    A worker at one of the big dairy farms who heard that bovine flatulence was largely composed of methane, and potentially explosive, decided to apply the scientific method to the theory.
    While one of his contented cow charges was hooked up to the milking machine, he waited for the slight tail lift which dairy workers know signals an impending expulsion, generally something to avoid. Our hero flicked his lighter. His satisfaction at seeing the resulting foot-long blue flame lasted mere seconds, before the flame was subsumed by a rectal contraction. The poor cow exploded, killing the worker, who was struck by a flying