Gasping - the Play Read Online Free Page B

small you think you’ve
got a dirty plate and it turns out to be your main course ... (getting
excited) a hundred and fifty pounds for a splash of raspberry sauce with a
squiggly vanilla line through the middle ... We are talking the very best in
executive dining.
     
    KIRSTEN: Fine, so you have the venue ... close-up
on two young executive lovers having pre-sex dinner. (she makes a lens of
her fingers, as directors are wont to do) They are a class act. She is one heck of a lady, essentially romantic, but romantic on her terms. She has
a body that says ‘screw me’, but watch out because in business hours she’ll
screw you, and screw you to the wall. We’re looking at a sort of
young Meryl Streep with shades of Sigourney Weaver, Jodie Foster, Cher and
Sylvester Stallone.
     
    PHILIP: I like this lady. What about
the guy?
     
    KIRSTEN: Let’s just say that our high-class
chick is thinking about giving up everything to have his children.
     
    PHILIP: I hope he realizes the kind of
levels he’s lucked out at.
     
    KIRSTEN: He does, he’s one heck of a guy ...
Sandy, you read ‘man in restaurant’; I’ll read ‘sexy girl’ ...
     
    (KIRSTEN gives him a designer folder.)
     
    PHILIP: Uhm, hang on, uhm ... don’t you
think it would be better if I read ‘man in restaurant’? Just a thought.
     
    KIRSTEN: OK you get the part, try it very
Michael Douglas. (she sits at a convenient table, and acts) ... ‘So
darling, next stop the Tokyo posting.’
     
    PHILIP: Right, OK, here goes ... (acting) ‘I’m afraid not darling, they’ve given Tokyo to Simon.’
     
    KIRSTEN (acting): ‘But you’re by far the best man ...
     
    PHILIP (acting): ‘I’m afraid you’re going to miss out on all the perks. The
magnificent access to Far Eastern shopping facilities, the gorgeous little
Sushi bars, the Samurai servants ...
     
    KIRSTEN (acting): ‘Such a shame you didn’t get it.’
     
    PHILIP (acting): ‘Oh I got it all right, I just didn’t take it. The office doesn’t
have Suck and Blow.’
     
    KIRSTEN: And then the voice-over comes in,
imagine the man from the Dairy Spread commercials ... (hitting tape
recording)
     
    TAPE: ‘Remember, a man prepared to breathe
second-rate air will probably be prepared to deliver second-rate product. If
your people deserve it, fit Suck and Blow.’
     
    PHILIP (thrilled): But this is wonderful, I mean absolutely Barry brilliant! Just
totally and utterly Barry!
     
    KIRSTEN: It has class Philip.
     
    PHILIP: It has more class than a Sunday
Times Wine Club special-selection case.
     
    KIRSTEN (more groovy designer folders): Item Two uses a similar couple, in a power seduction situation. It’s
his flat and the lady is hot right? The coffee and Armagnac are all through and
she’s just about ready to climb aboard and rut her horny little ass off. She
just wants to bang her gorgeous, muscly, workaholic, over-achieving boyfriend
till his dick falls off.
     
    PHILIP: Ha ha, believe me, I’ve been that
guy.
     
    KIRSTEN: Then you’d better read it again.
     
    (She slaps
another groovy designer folder across at him.)
     
    PHILIP: Sorry Sandy, perks of seniority ...
     
    KIRSTEN (acting): ‘Mmm, lovely coffee ... I must say you seem to have everything in
your beautiful apartment ... the best food ... the best wine ... Only the best
of everything, I like that in a man.’
     
    PHILIP (acting): ‘There’s a pool on the roof, I thought we might swim a little later ...‘ (aside to SANDY) This is superb!
     
    KIRSTEN (acting): ‘As long as it’s secluded ... I don’t have a swim-suit. (she
sniffs) Is something burning? ... Apart from me that is.’
     
    PHILIP (aside to SANDY): I can’t believe this stuff,
it’s just so believable ... (acting) ‘Ha ha, that’s the caviar
and truffle soufflé ruined.’
     
    KIRSTEN (acting): ‘Never mind, I’m not hungry — for food, and the Suck and Blow will
soon clear the air.’
     
    PHILIP (acting embarrassed): ‘Uhm ... hmm ... yes ... I’ll