From the Cutting Room of Barney Kettle Read Online Free
Author: Kate de Goldi
matters simple for the beginner great filmmaker, Felix La Marche and Hal Nicholas advised adapting other well-known stories as often as possible. Barney had been extremely pleased to read this. His very first Short two years ago had been kind of shapeless. Plus, utterly chaotic.
‘You need a good beginner’s manual,’ said Albert Anderson after he had previewed Over the Top and assessed it more or less devoid of any story. Over the Top had been set in a First World War trench and consisted almost entirely of characters climbing out of the trench and getting shot. By the end everyone was dead except the soldier who was really a girl in disguise. Barney had meant to have more in there about the disguised girl but he’d got distracted by the body count.
The chaos had come about with the shooting. Everyone wanted to die loudly and dramatically and at great length, especially Benjamin who had practised a drawn-out spasming, jolting, spiralling descent to the ground in No-Man’s-Land (a narrow,muddied-up thoroughfare behind Busby’s). And once horizontal Benjamin still wasn’t ready to be dead; he gave protracted moans and suffered violent paroxysms while others got shot and fell on top of him. The rising heap of bodies had been another kind of trouble altogether.
‘Exciting on set, maybe,’ said Albert, ‘but the finished product lacks drama.’ Also, it was rather repetitive, he said. And actually, pretty boring. He said it in the nicest possible way, but Barney was stung.
Albert Anderson suggested the library, in which he placed great faith, but Barney was more an Internet kind of guy. Also, his library card came up Delinquent when he checked it online. It said he owed the library $63 which was something he didn’t like to think about if he could possibly avoid it.
Online, Barney had found [email protected] , Felix La Marche and Hal Nicholas’s website. It showed dozens of photos of both men on sets, their arms slouched about each other’s shoulders. The film sets varied but the two men always wore caps and moustaches. They had big white teeth. They looked cheerful-yet-serious, a combination Barney himself was hoping to cultivate.
The website helpfully directed you to Felix and Hal’s publications which were many, but Barney chose So, You Want to be a Filmmaker? He liked the challenge in the title. It was $55 plus $25 shipping. Since $80 was riches beyond Barney’s dreams, he began negotiations with Dad.
Mum and Dad didn’t have much spare money – you did not get rich on teaching and antiques-slash-junk, apparently – but they sometimes agreed to supply funds in exchange for Barney and Ren’s labour. This usually meant doing housework or tidying the Emporium, both of which Barney found dull beyond belief. But he was prepared to do anything when he needed filming materials, and Dad knew it. Dad had a nose for a bargain.
‘ Wake up , Kettle!’ said Ren.
Blimey, he’d done it again. He’d walked into Coralie’s, ordered an (Organic) Iced Rodent, sat down and taken a bite almost without noticing. Barney looked at the biscuit on his plate. It was a weasel with bright yellow icing (made with turmeric). The weasel’s long tail was half gone. Barney bit off the other half.
(Organic) Iced Rodents were a famous High Street specialty. They were large ginger biscuits shaped as rats, mice, weasels, porcupines, squirrels and beavers. Coralie had invented them herself. She had moulded the biscuit cutters with the help of Albert Anderson who could turn his hand to almost anything, including metalwork. Kids came from all over town to try an Iced Rodent. (( Organic ) Iced Rodent, insisted Coralie. They mustn’t forget the (Organic), she said. Or the (Brackets).)
‘Amazing how you can’t really taste the turmeric,’ said Barney, just for something to say. ‘Only the ginger.’ Nor could you taste the spinach juice in the porcupines’ green icing.
The café was in its afternoon lull,
‘You need a good beginner’s manual,’ said Albert Anderson after he had previewed Over the Top and assessed it more or less devoid of any story. Over the Top had been set in a First World War trench and consisted almost entirely of characters climbing out of the trench and getting shot. By the end everyone was dead except the soldier who was really a girl in disguise. Barney had meant to have more in there about the disguised girl but he’d got distracted by the body count.
The chaos had come about with the shooting. Everyone wanted to die loudly and dramatically and at great length, especially Benjamin who had practised a drawn-out spasming, jolting, spiralling descent to the ground in No-Man’s-Land (a narrow,muddied-up thoroughfare behind Busby’s). And once horizontal Benjamin still wasn’t ready to be dead; he gave protracted moans and suffered violent paroxysms while others got shot and fell on top of him. The rising heap of bodies had been another kind of trouble altogether.
‘Exciting on set, maybe,’ said Albert, ‘but the finished product lacks drama.’ Also, it was rather repetitive, he said. And actually, pretty boring. He said it in the nicest possible way, but Barney was stung.
Albert Anderson suggested the library, in which he placed great faith, but Barney was more an Internet kind of guy. Also, his library card came up Delinquent when he checked it online. It said he owed the library $63 which was something he didn’t like to think about if he could possibly avoid it.
Online, Barney had found [email protected] , Felix La Marche and Hal Nicholas’s website. It showed dozens of photos of both men on sets, their arms slouched about each other’s shoulders. The film sets varied but the two men always wore caps and moustaches. They had big white teeth. They looked cheerful-yet-serious, a combination Barney himself was hoping to cultivate.
The website helpfully directed you to Felix and Hal’s publications which were many, but Barney chose So, You Want to be a Filmmaker? He liked the challenge in the title. It was $55 plus $25 shipping. Since $80 was riches beyond Barney’s dreams, he began negotiations with Dad.
Mum and Dad didn’t have much spare money – you did not get rich on teaching and antiques-slash-junk, apparently – but they sometimes agreed to supply funds in exchange for Barney and Ren’s labour. This usually meant doing housework or tidying the Emporium, both of which Barney found dull beyond belief. But he was prepared to do anything when he needed filming materials, and Dad knew it. Dad had a nose for a bargain.
‘ Wake up , Kettle!’ said Ren.
Blimey, he’d done it again. He’d walked into Coralie’s, ordered an (Organic) Iced Rodent, sat down and taken a bite almost without noticing. Barney looked at the biscuit on his plate. It was a weasel with bright yellow icing (made with turmeric). The weasel’s long tail was half gone. Barney bit off the other half.
(Organic) Iced Rodents were a famous High Street specialty. They were large ginger biscuits shaped as rats, mice, weasels, porcupines, squirrels and beavers. Coralie had invented them herself. She had moulded the biscuit cutters with the help of Albert Anderson who could turn his hand to almost anything, including metalwork. Kids came from all over town to try an Iced Rodent. (( Organic ) Iced Rodent, insisted Coralie. They mustn’t forget the (Organic), she said. Or the (Brackets).)
‘Amazing how you can’t really taste the turmeric,’ said Barney, just for something to say. ‘Only the ginger.’ Nor could you taste the spinach juice in the porcupines’ green icing.
The café was in its afternoon lull,
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