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measurement was one centimeter too wide, and not get my dividend of the model contract which was $40 300.
    Although I was told what the profession would demand of me and how the following years would be in relation to expectations and effort, I did not know how this was going to affect my self-esteem and mental health. There was nobody to prepare me for that or any role models who could openly guide me, mentally and emotionally. And I think this is a common issue for many youths in secondary school in general. We go through a process where we try to find our identity or "who am I?". The internal and external processes that occur are contradictory, which is difficult to understand and express, and we do not know how to handle it or how negative thoughts can affect us mentally and emotionally.
    I went on different diets, I worked out with thick tights on the hottest summer day to sweat more, so I could lose weight. I was so focused on my body because I knew one centimeter of my hip measurement was standing between the life I had, and the life I thought was my dream. After three years the modeling contract expired and I never got a real chance to work internationally as a model. As I never reached the required body measurements, the agency couldn’t fulfill their part of the contract either, and I lost the money that the contract was worth - $40 300!!
    I visited a surgical specialist after this because I didn’t understand why I never got thinner, and he told me that what I had left on my hip was not possible to get rid of, unless I opted for liposuction.
I had to laugh, because I suddenly realized that I’ve used three years of my life fighting for something that was impossible and that liposuction would have been the only solution.
    During this period of time I had started to question my values and life. I became curious about how people think and why we act the way we do. I began to explore different environments and the roles we place upon ourselves and society. I was the one who always asked people "Why are you in this environment and what have you experienced that made you choose this?".
    While searching for answers in different environments I remember when I was 16 years old that I wanted to find out what a one-night-stand would feel like as I had only experienced a relationship, where my boyfriend was unfaithful. A lot of questions run through your mind when someone is unfaithful; "Was I not good enough? Was I not attractive enough? What was wrong?" And those thoughts haunted me for a while, and made me a little reserved about going into another relationship. I wanted to know how it would be without all these feelings included. I joined a party one evening with the intention to test this out. I was flirting with one guy that was older than me, he didn’t look like a relationship type guy therefore I thought he would be a good one-night-stand experience for me. It wasn't long before we were heading upstairs and went into a room. And it didn’t go more than 5 minutes before I changed my mind and wanted stop, but he wouldn’t listen. This happened to be a night where I, for the first time in my life, came to experience the shame and self-reproach as I got raped. I never told anyone about this as I felt I had encouraged it, and approached the event as a lesson for the danger I put myself in, and just wanted to put it behind me and keep going.
    I also remember this time at secondary school as a desperate search for the reason and meaning to life. I had always felt different and didn’t really fit in, as I was fighting for a dream and going through my processes on my own. My parents have always been present and a great support to me all the way, but I never really expressed or shared what was really going on inside, because it was difficult to explain what I didn’t understand myself. The insecurity, lack of self-esteem, questioning life and so on.

The early wakeup call
    I remember one day which changed everything.