Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games Read Online Free Page B

common sense that a miscommunication like
finding out whether I'd killed myself would never happen.
Thankfully I lived in a world of haphazard plotting too, so the
melodrama continued.
    "Your ex boyfriends about to do
something really stupid," Second Fiddle insisted.
    "Like what? Square dance with a man
eating tiger?" I asked.
    "No, like taunt the Vultures because he
thinks you killed yourself."
    "But I'm right here pining for him.
What a moron. I wish we could be morons again together."
    "You don't understand, the Vultures are
vampire royalty. They'll kill Hunky for fun, then dress his corpse
up like a mime and parade it around town just for the hell of
it."
    "Wow. My ex boyfriend's so dumb it
makes me wish I'd never fallen in love with him."
    "You could still run off with me and we
could have cute werewolf pups together."
    "Oh Second Fiddle. Now you're just
being silly. Off to Italy I go."
    ***
    "Hey vampire royalty, I will moon you
and show my pale white butt cheeks as a sign of hygienic
disrespect," Hunky said, smiting the universe with wild
disregard.
    "Uh, Hunky--you do realize we'll have
you impaled if you keep acting out in this manner," the Vulture
leader said, uber pissed.
    "I've lost the woman I love. You think
I care about threats from Italian vampires sipping on double decaf
cappuccino’s? I'll dance around in a demented tutu if that's what
it takes to get my point across."
    "If you make me miss my orgy you will
come to rue the day you flashed your butt cheeks at me."
    "Oh yeah? Well I had a burrito for
lunch. I smell a juicy fart of vengeance coming on."
    Just then, I swung open the doors with
my trusty sidekick to talk sense into Hunky.
    "Hunky, don't do it. Hold that fart in.
Clench those cheeks oh sweet love of mine," I said.
    Hunky turned, trou completely dropped,
with a big hello boner waving hi. "Oh my God, you're alive...and
with just as nonexistent of a personality as I
remembered."
    "I don't even understand why you care
anyway. You don't even love me."
    "You bought that lie? You must be a
bigger bone head than I ever realized. But you're my favorite
dumbass in all the world. I love you more than my own existential
ennui. More than pouting uncontrollably. More than making an army
of demented balloon animals bent on world domination."
    "That's probably the sweetest thing
I've ever heard. Let's bump nasties," I said.
    But before we had time to so much as
kiss, the Vulture leader went totally ape.
    "A human and a vampire together? I
would rather eat monkey poo than allow such an abomination. Hunky,
you know the rules. Humans must not know about our existence...or
our addiction to paper mache. She either dies, or must become one
of us...oh, and for God's sake, pull up your pants. You're sporting
more wood than a frat guy at a wet t-shirt contest."
    ***
    The O'Buzzkill's moved back to Spork
with a heady decision on their plate--eat me, or let me join their
paper mache ranks. With the prospect of Hunky whining like a little
bitch if they killed me, the O'Buzzkill's voted to turn me into a
vampire (yay, I got to be a soulless bloodsucker too).
    But all was not hunky dory. The
vampires and werewolves had a combustible truce (how did both
vampires and werewolves slip under the radar in a town of only 4000
people by the way?). The pact would be broken if the O'Buzzkill's
ever turned a human. In other words, things were about to get
epically bitey all because of me. But did I care that I caused an
all out war? Nah. After all, I had my brooding buddy back.
Swoon!
    The End.
     
    Stop This Love Triangle, I'm Getting
Off
    Why couldn't psychotic vampires just
let me make out in peace? Instead they had to go form an army of
undead grump-a-lumps to take out my pouty ass. So not cool. And I
was working on a seriously stylish hickey too.
    While Psycho Von Wantsmedead started
biting up a storm in Seattle to build up her fang base, I snuck in
a couple of weeks of serious face sucking. And even though I was
perfectly happy