Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games Read Online Free Page A

story of my life was
turning into a tragedy written by a drunk orangutan, Second Fiddled
re entered my life with a six pack to spare.
    "I hope you don't mind me walking
around buff and shirtless," Second Fiddle said, trying to turn my
frown upside down.
    "I'm too heart broken to care," I
moped.
    "Really? Teenage girls seem to love my
beefcake body and disarming good looks."
    "Oh come on, Second Fiddle. Are you
really trying to start a love triangle at a time like
this?"
    "Hey, if you don't want to ogle my
pecks, I'll be happy to show them off to some other
girl."
    "Don't be ridiculous. Why would you
want to start a healthy relationship with a girl that will love,
honor, and cherish you when you can lust after me unsuccessfully
for eternity?"
    "Wait a minute. Does that mean you're
telling me I could turn into an underwear model and you'll still
leave me in the friends zone?"
    "Absotively."
    "Wow, slavish devotion really is
awesome. Do you mind if I still pay for all your dinners and movies
anyway even though I have no shot of ever scoring with
you?"
    "Well, if you must."
    ***
    "Hey, so there's something else I
forgot to tell you," Second Fiddle said after treating me better
than the ex boyfriend who'd trampled my heart.
    "It's ok. I know you have chronic
constipation. I saw the cream on your dresser."
    "No no. I was going to tell you that in
addition to being super buff, I also come from a long line of
werewolves."
    "Does that mean you eat your poo and
piss on fire hydrants for fun?"
    "Not all dog descendants do
that...although I do like chasing my tail. You know, that's not the
point."
    "What is the point? I already told you
my heart belongs to a vampire I can't have on another continent I
have no way of getting to."
    "I just thought having a pack of
werewolves getting your back would come in handy when a coven of
vengeful vampires come looking to kill you in retaliation for what
happened to Mr. Demented, but never mind. Have fun staving off
blood thirsty vampires yourself."
    "No no no. You know I suck at doing
anything that doesn't involve putting my life in danger. It's 2012,
do you really expect women to be strong and independent on their
own?"
    "Well, I could save your life this one
time."
    "Yay. I'll be hiding in a corner when
you're done with the messy stuff."
    ***
    "Alright, so and me and my hairy
buddies kicked some serious vampire butt," Second Fiddle said,
after battle.
    "Wow. Look at you all shirtless and
sweaty," I beamed.
    "Does that mean you want to get it
on?"
    "Do you even understand what the friend
zone is?"
    Second Fiddle bemoaned to himself.
"That teaches me to fall in love with the only chick that doesn't
swoon over six pack abs."
    ***
    Meanwhile in Europe, Hunky was working
on his best pouty face. It turned out there was no replacement for
a bland, whiny, helpless girl like me anywhere to be found. All the
women in Europe had things like personality, independence, and even
intelligence. So Hunky was left pining for the dumbass that got
away.
    Then one of his fangy brethren came by
with bad and yet completely untrue news. "Hunky, I just heard from
an utterly unreliable source."
    "In that case, I will blindly believe
whatever gossip you may have heard."
    "Your sullen ex girlfriend went and
killed herself."
    "She's dead?" Hunky said in
disbelief.
    "To be fair though, I did get the news
from a completely unreliable source, so you might want to check
your facts before doing anything rash."
    "Why would anyone waste time with facts
when I could make irrational decisions based on raw emotion alone?
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go do something profoundly
stupid."
    "You're not going to buy another tree
fort out of toothpicks to mope in, are you?"
    "Actually, I'm going to Italy to tempt
the fates," Hunky insisted. "But be a dear and pack my belly button
lint sculpture of my dead ex girlfriend for me. I want to display
it in disgusting pride."
    ***
    You'd think in an era of cell phones,
broadband internet, and