Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games Read Online Free

sulky scowl
had been thrown into a retirement home, banished to a life of dirty
bed pans and lumpy apple sauce. I meanwhile passed the time making
moony eyes at Hunky until it got creepy (three hours was our
personal best). Then of course there was the heavy necking (was it
hot in there, or was that just my hormones hooting and
hollering?).
    Hunky sure knew how to tantalize a
girls tonsils. Amazingly enough though, the idea of him putting his
penis into my vagina never occurred to either of us (oh beautiful
vapidness). But the incessant cooing had to come to a close some
time, so what better place than at my eighteenth birthday
party?
    The party started off well enough. Then
again, who could complain about being showered with presents?
Little did we all know that the seeds of the apocalypse would be
sewn with a single paper cut (poetic? maybe. lazy plotting? hell
ya). Yup, once that wrapping paper gave my finger a wee little
knick, the O'Buzzkill's turned on me like I was lunch. Sheesh, what
was it with the vampires all trying to kill me? You'd think humans
and vampires weren't compatible or something.
    Staring at my paper cut, Hunky's
adopted brother looked at me like I was dolling out erotically
charged hemoglobin. Then he had the nerve to attack me before I'd
had the chance to cut the cake. Luckily for a helpless damsel like
me, there was also a hunk around to rescue me (yay for not having
to ever save your own hide). Hunky put the kabash on making a
birthday girl meat pie, but by then my birthday was totally screwed
with no do over in sight.
    ***
    Suddenly the world of pouty melodrama
decided to take an extended layover. Instead of coming to a well
researched and rational conclusion to overcome the fact that I had
oh so erotic blood that made Hunky's family go super fangy, the
McBrooding's decided to pick up and move to Europe (home to wussies
running away from their problems since 1532).
    Hunky came up with the super bright
idea of pretending he never loved me so we could make a nice clean
break, because teenage girls never obsessed about anything,
especially heartbreak. But I wouldn't go down without a hissy
fit.
    "Yeah, so I'm going to totally break up
with you now," Hunky said.
    "But you just had your tongue down my
throat five minutes ago," I insisted.
    "You know, this isn't really a good
time for me. What with having to do all this packing before I run
off to Europe and never speak to you again. Not to mention the
electrical outlets in France totally suck."
    "Well, don't let my heart breaking
irreparably get in the way get in the way of trying to fit that
last pair of socks and underwear into your suitcase."
    "Wow, this break up is going really
well. I should do this more often."
    "This is more depressing than the sound
of cute kittens being eaten by a lava monster."
    "Yeah, but at least I never really
loved you in the first place."
    "I could just die right here," I
said.
    "Good thing I never turned you into a
vampire. Immortality ruins the whole dying thing."
    "I just want you to know I'm never
going to get over you."
    "And I just want you to know I will
have already forgotten about you by the in flight movie.
Toodles."
    Hunky hated telling lie after lie, but
his pea brain had not come up with a better solution to the
birthday buffoonery. Still, watching my heart break right in front
of him, Hunky had to use all his willpower to keep his crocodile
tears from setting off a flash flood warning. Then much to my
chagrin, he walked right into that overdramatic sunset, never to
text, email, or fondle my boobs again.
    I meanwhile was inconsolable. Bereft.
Crestfallen. Not to mention totally bummed out. Not even the mall
could save me, although thanks for the new pair of pumps,
emotionally unavailable Dad. Between the constant pouting and
overcast scenery mirroring my inner turmoil, I was pretty much the
worst dinner party guest ever. Yes, even worse than the guy
reciting poetry about his colonoscopy.
    But just when the