Fifty Shades of Mr Darcy: A Parody Read Online Free

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occasionally a table –most of the time it was a wingback chair. While she did so, she could not help observing that Mr Darcy’s eyes were fixed upon her.
    ‘If you think to embarrass me, Sir, with your scrutiny, be informed that I am not intimidated easily,’ she said airily. ‘If there is something about my behaviour or appearance
that you find reprehensible, pray tell me, that I might seek to rectify it at once.’
    Mr Darcy smiled.
    Oh my!
His mouth was so … so …
mouthish
!
    ‘I make no such observation, Miss Bennet,’ he replied. ‘I was merely wondering how it would be to take up one of those fine pencils of yours, and to insert it, oh so slowly
…’
    Elizabeth’s heart thudded in her chest.
    ‘ … into a pencil sharpener,’ he continued, his grey eyes dancing wickedly, like two evil imps high on cider.
    At that moment, a servant Elizabeth did not recognize, his hair cropped close and his visage roughly stubbled, appeared from behind a potted-plant stand.
    ‘Ah, Taylor,’ said Mr Darcy. ‘Have you made your final appraisal as regards Miss Bennet?’
    ‘I have, Sir,’ replied Taylor.
    ‘And your conclusion?’
    ‘34C, Sir.’
    ‘Good! Then make haste to Meryton.’
    Taylor gave a curt bow, and headed for the door.
    ‘My manservant, Taylor, has been despatched to buy some new undergarments for you,’ Darcy remarked, by way of explanation. ‘I could not help noticing that your bloomers and
stays were sullied during your journey from Longbourn.’
    Elizabeth bristled. Mr Darcy’s impertinence seemingly knew no bounds!
    ‘I assure you, I have no need of charity, Sir,’ Elizabeth replied, both abashed and affronted. ‘My underthings may not be as finely stitched, nor as decoratively embroidered,
as those belonging to the Misses Bingley, but they are perfectly adequate for my needs.’
    ‘And what exactly are your
needs
, Miss Bennet?’ Mr Darcy asked playfully.
    ‘I have no
needs
, as you put it, Sir.’
    ‘You just said you did.’
    God, he was an arse.
‘I think you understand my meaning perfectly, Mr Darcy,’ Elizabeth said firmly. ‘And please, no gifts.’
    Mr Darcy looked disappointed. ‘Please indulge me, Miss Bennet,’ he said in a low voice, edging a little closer towards her on the chaise longue. ‘I am an inordinately wealthy
man, and if I wish to buy you a silk shift with little cut-out bits that allow just a fleeting glimpse of nipple, that is my prerogative. Or satin bloomers that cling, like water, to your firm
young …’
    Mr Darcy’s eyes were now taking on a feverish intensity. Elizabeth decided it was in everyone’s best interests to cut him short.
    ‘Pray, do not embarrass me again, Sir. I cannot accept your gifts. I have no wish to be beholden to you.’
    ‘You are refusing me?’ Mr Darcy looked puzzled. He cocked his head to one side. Then cocked it to the other side. Then cocked his leg for good measure.
    ‘You are fond of cocking, Sir?’ Elizabeth enquired.
    ‘Oh, I am, Miss Bennet,’ Mr Darcy murmured. ‘
Very
fond indeed.’
    ‘Come now, let’s move the plot along!’ shouted Elizabeth’s Subconscious.
    Glancing down at her notebook, Elizabeth read the first of her questions in as commanding a voice as she could muster. ‘You have vast wealth at your disposal. Pray tell, how is it possible
to manage your estates and business interests so successfully?’
    ‘By exercising the
strictest
control,’ Mr Darcy replied. ‘I have over four hundred servants at Pemberley, and those who do not meet my exacting standards, or who
displease me, are soon beaten into shape.’
    ‘You are speaking metaphorically, I trust?’
    ‘No. I personally pull down their breeches and give them twenty strokes. Next question, Miss Bennet.’
    ‘Pemberley is considered one of the foremost houses in the county of Derbyshire, if not in all of England. What do you consider to be its finest merits?’
    Mr Darcy gave a wicked smile. ‘Firstly, you must inform