Fifty Shades of Mr Darcy: A Parody Read Online Free Page A

the young ladies who read your magazine that I am changing the name of my estate.’
    ‘Indeed, Mr Darcy?’
    ‘To
Member
ley.’
    Elizabeth fought to keep her composure. She would not be baited into responding to his puerile schoolboy humour.
    ‘You must do me the honour of visiting, Miss Bennet,’ Mr Darcy continued. ‘There is much there that I would like to show you. I have decorated many rooms after the French
fashion. You would pass many a happy hour there, I’m sure, fingering my
bibelots
.’
    Elizabeth, occupied by the hurried writing of notes, was grateful to be looking down at her notebook so Mr Darcy could not see the blush that was now starting to spread across her cheeks.
    ‘Aside from calling upon friends in the country, how do you spend your time?’
    ‘I sail. I indulge in various physical pursuits. I ride – hard. And I get up whenever I can in Charlie Tango.’
    ‘Charlie Tango? Is that your hot-air balloon?’
    ‘No, he’s my rent boy.’
    ‘
I knew it!
’ yelled her Gaydar.
    Seeing her discomfiture, Mr Darcy appeared to soften. ‘I am toying with you, Miss Bennet,’ he said in an amused voice. ‘Yes, Charlie Tango is my hot-air balloon.’
    ‘And your charitable pursuits? Are they close to your heart?’
    Mr Darcy’s smile instantly vanished. ‘Some would say I have no heart, Miss Bennet.’
    ‘How can that be so, Mr Darcy?’
    ‘There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome.’
    He leant closer, and Elizabeth could smell his enticing, manly smell – she sensed cologne, linen, leather and something else. Pickled onions, perhaps?
    ‘I have many vices,’ Mr Darcy said huskily. ‘My libido, for one, I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding.’
    ‘That is a failing indeed!’ cried Elizabeth. ‘Implacable lust is a shade in a character.’
    ‘I have many shades, Miss Bennet,’ said Mr Darcy. ‘About fifty, last time I counted.’

    The invalid being not much improved, and dusk drawing on, Elizabeth was invited to stay overnight at Netherfield. She passed a great deal of it in Jane’s room, but was
much disturbed by Mr Bingley knocking upon the door several times during the night, obviously desirous of administering to her sister himself. Carrotslime and Looseata also called in upon them
before they made their way to bed, keen to enquire after Jane’s health and to be a pair of complete bitches.
    ‘Mr Darcy informed us that you have “very fine eyes”,’ the elder Miss Bingley remarked. ‘If you were not of such low social status and diminished means, I would
declare him to be in love with you!’
    ‘I cannot imagine Mr Darcy has any tender feelings,’ Elizabeth replied coolly. ‘He seems to be a man of large appetite and little delicacy, and unused to female
company.’
    ‘It is true that he shuns the company of our sex,’ complained Looseata. ‘When he is in Town, he is most often to be found at his Club, Spanky’s.’
    ‘A shame indeed,’ added Carrotslime, ‘that a gentleman of his fortune and position should be a confirmed bachelor. Still, when he marries – as all men must – he
will doubtless choose someone of his own standing in society. Like myself, perhaps.’
    ‘It would be a good match,’ Elizabeth declared, with much sincerity, for at this time she could imagine no better spouse for Mr Darcy than this vain and prattling creature.
    ‘And what of your own matrimonial hopes, Miss Elizabeth Bennet?’ Carrotslime continued. ‘Perhaps some impoverished clergyman might take a fancy to you, or, if you are
exceedingly fortunate, a farmer?’
    ‘Cow!’ hissed Elizabeth’s Subconscious. ‘I harbour no such hopes. I am content with my reading, and my country walks. Love holds little attraction for me.’
    ‘Indeed. No doubt that is why you pay so little attention to fashion. Your lack of interest in the opposite sex would explain