Elrod McBugle on the Loose Read Online Free

response from a fake company?"
    Jim considered that. "I dunno."
    "You should keep it real," said Mr. Rodriguez.
    "Aw."
    I leaned back in my chair and thought about it for a moment. I honestly didn't care if I got a new slimy eyeball or not...I had about two dozen of them on my desk at home already. My Captain Hocker action figure (with super-spitting action) had both legs pop off minutes after I bought it, but I wasn't certain I wanted to admit to anyone, not even to the manufacturer, that I'd purchased a Captain Hocker action figure a full three years after they'd officially stopped being cool. I saw it at a discount store. I was weak. Don't judge me.
    I cleared my throat and thought about asking if I could go get a drink of water. What I really wanted was a nice apricot-flavored Slurpy Gulp. So thick you almost had to use a spoon, not only was Slurpy Gulp the ultimate taste sensation, it had the best commercials I'd ever seen.

    [Scene: The desert. A lizard scurries over the bleached bones of some long-dead cow. A kid is just standing there. ]

    KID: I am so very thirsty, but there is nothing to drink. I guess I will just have to die.

    [ He shrugs and lies down in the sand. Some vultures swoop down and land on him. Suddenly an announcer bursts out of a cactus. ]

    ANNOUNCER: There's no need to die! All you need is a Slurpy Gulp!

    [ He whips out an assortment of Slurpy Gulps in the convenient 16 oz. bottles. ]

    ANNOUNCER: There's grape, there's cherry, there's apricot, there's kiwi-strawberry, there's prune, and there's pomegranate! Six flavors in all!

    [ He tosses a bottle into the air. The kid's tongue shoots fifteen feet into the air, wraps around the bottle, and yanks it back down to him. ]

    KID: Wow, thanks, mister!

    [ He twists open the lid and pours some of that thick fruity goodness into his mouth. His stomach begins to gurgle, and then to rumble, and then to bounce around as if something inside were trying to break out. ]

    KID: Wow! What a magical fruity taste!

    [ The kid's stomach explodes as thousands of brightly-colored fruits burst out, sailing across the sky and forming a rainbow. ]

    ANNOUNCER: Slurpy Gulp! The only liquid your body needs!

    CHORUS OF VERY PERKY SINGERS: Whether you want to slurp or you want to gulp, the only thing to drink is...Slurpy Gulp! Yeah!

    [Commercial ends.]

    Yep, that was what I wanted.
    But it didn't fit the assignment, because they put out a perfect product, one that I'd never had any complaints with except that I emptied the bottle before I was ready to quit slurping and gulping.
    Of course, that didn't mean I couldn't make something up. I mean, somewhere in the world there had to be an imperfect bottle. It was only logical. And it wouldn't be outside of the realm of possibility for me to eventually purchase that very bottle. So technically it wouldn't be lying to write a letter of complaint, it would just be looking into the potential future.
    And maybe the future would hold a whole bunch of free Slurpy Gulp!
    Okay, so, I had to come up with a believable but serious problem that occurred with my drink. Something I found in my drink that I didn't want there. Hypodermic needles and dead rats were overdone...I needed something original.
    A frog? Nah.
    A pair of fingernail clippers? Nah.
    A live rat? Nah.
    Suddenly I had it! A slimy eyeball!
    Yes, I'd purchased a bottle of apricot-flavored Slurpy Gulp, carried it to the shade of my favorite tree with a spring in my step and a song in my heart, unscrewed the cap, took a long, deep drink of the delicious fluid, and realized THERE WAS AN EYEBALL IN MY MOUTH!!! I'd choked on it, but thanks to a self-induced Heimlich Maneuver I hadn't swallowed it. The eyeball had popped out of my mouth and hit a squirrel, who ran off with it to