Elrod McBugle on the Loose Read Online Free Page A

feed its young. I was going to have nightmares for the rest of my life. Probably require hundreds of thousands of dollars in therapy. Drool a lot.
    Unless...they gave me a bunch of free Slurpy Gulp. Because only by drinking bottle after bottle of Slurpy Gulp without an eyeball in it could I erase the trauma from my memory.
    To Whom It May Concern:

    I've enjoyed your product, Slurpy Gulp, for nearly four years now, and have never had any reason for complaint. Until that horrible moment last week when I found an eyeball in my bottle.
    I didn't just find this eyeball---it actually ended up in my mouth. Have you ever tasted an eyeball? I bet you haven't, and I bet you don't want to. They're squishy and gooey and this one had squiggly lines all over it that made my tongue feel weird. And I almost choked on it. Do you know what kind of newspaper headlines people would read if I had choked?
    Greenwater Boy Chokes To Death On Slurpy Gulp Eyeball; "We're All Headed For The Poor House," Says Company Spokesman.
    That wouldn't be very much fun, now would it? I want you to know that last night I dreamed I was running down a long hallway and this giant eyeball was rolling after me, like that boulder in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I woke up screaming, and I got an "D" on my Social Studies test because I was deprived of all that sleep. And now everywhere I go I feel like I'm being watched.
    What I suggest you do is check all of your employees. If any of them are recently missing an eye, you may want to consider asking them where exactly that eye went. If none of them are missing an eye, you may want to start doing surprise inspections just to make sure they aren't carrying around spare eyeballs that they throw into the Slurpy Gulp (at least the apricot-flavored brand).
    I am not going to sue you, because I don't want to miss any more school than I already have over this tragedy. What I want is as much free Slurpy Gulp as you're willing to give me. You need to regain my trust. You need to make me forget that I had somebody's eyeball right there in my mouth where I could taste it and everything. You need to do what is right.
    Sincerely,
    Elrod McBugle.

Chapter Three Quiz
    1. Which of these is a real flavor of Slurpy Gulp?
    a. Apricot.
    b. Rice Krispie Treats
    c. Crazy Bob's Armpit Squeezings Delight
    2. Which of the following is an acceptable use for Slurpy Gulp?
    a. Drinking.
    b. Stuffing turkeys.
    c. Filling an aquarium with it, then staring at the aquarium for hours at a time going "Oooooh, pretty!"
    3. If you were a bottle of Slurpy Gulp, you would feel...
    a. Like an idiot.
    b. Like an idiot.
    c. Like an idiot.

Chapter Four
    "YOU MADE THIS all up," said Mr. Rodriguez, setting my paper on my desk. It was five minutes before the end of class.
    "No, I didn't," I insisted. "I really got a D on my last Social Studies test."
    "You were supposed to use a real incident. You'll have to write a new letter at home." He raised his voice, speaking to the entire class. "Today is Wednesday. By Friday I want all of you to have found the address for the company you're writing to, and I want to see a final draft of your letter. By Monday I want them all neatly typed or printed out on your computers, so they can be mailed."

"SO WHAT DID you write about?" I asked Scoopy as we walked home.
    "Remember that really awful-tasting candy I bought about a month ago?"
    "You mean the cough drops?"
    "I mean the cough drops that only said they were cough drops in really small print. They were packaged like candy. If they're just cough drops, they shouldn't say 'Great Cherry Taste.'"
    "I guess you're right."
    "I told them I want my money back, or at least for them to send me some real candy, like Junior Mints or Ex-Lax. We'll see what happens."
    "I have to write a whole new letter," I said. "But I'm still