Doctor Proctor's Fart Powder Read Online Free Page A

“So, for example, if I were a pair of shoes, I wouldn’t be new at all. I’d be extremely old. My grandfather had a dog who got sent to the old age home when she was ten.”
    Mrs. Strobe didn’t make any attempt to stop the snide laughter that followed, but just looked at Nilly thoughtfully until the laughter had subsided.
    â€œEnough clowning around, Mr. Nilly,” she said, a thin smile spreading over her thin lips. “Considering your modest size, I suggest that you stand on your desk while you address the class.”
    To Mrs. Strobe’s surprise, Nilly didn’t wait to be asked twice, but leaped up onto his desk and hoisted his pants up by his suspenders.
    â€œI live on Cannon Avenue with my sister and mother. We’ve lived in every county in Norway, plus a couple that aren’t in Norway anymore. By which I mean, they were in Norway during the Ice Age, but once the ice started melting, big pieces broke off and drifted away in the ocean. One of the biggest pieces is called America now, and over there they have no idea that they’re living on a chunk of ice that used to be part of Norway.”

    â€œMr. Nilly,” Mrs. Strobe interrupted. “Stick to the most important details, please.”
    â€œThe most important,” Nilly said, “is playing the trumpet in the Norwegian Independence Day parade on May seventeenth. Because playing the trumpet is like kissing a woman. Can anyone tell me where I can find the nearest marching band?”
    But everyone in the classroom just stared at him with their mouths hanging open.
    â€œOh, yeah. I almost forgot,” Nilly said. “I was there this morning when one of the world’s greatest inventions was invented. The inventor’s name is Doctor Proctor and I was selected to be his assistant.We’re calling the invention Doctor Proctor’s Far—”
    â€œEnough!” Mrs. Strobe yelled. “You can take your seat, Mr. Nilly.”
    Mrs. Strobe spent the rest of the class explaining the history of Norwegian Independence Day, but none of the children in the classroom were listening. They were just staring at the little bit of Nilly they could see sticking up over his desk. Then the bell rang.
    AT RECESS NILLY stood by himself watching the other children play tag and hopscotch. He noticed Lisa, who was also standing there watching. Nilly was just about to go over to her when two large boys with crew cuts and barrel-shaped heads suddenly stepped in front of him, blocking his way. Nilly already had an idea of what was coming next.
    â€œHello, pip-squeak,” one of them said.
    â€œHello, O giants who wander the earth with heavyfootsteps, blocking out the sun,” Nilly said without looking up.
    â€œHuh?” the boy said.
    â€œNothing, pit bulls,” Nilly said.
    â€œYou’re new,” the other boy said.
    â€œSo what?” Nilly asked quietly. Even though he already knew more or less what the answer to the so-what question would be.
    â€œNew means we dunk you in the drinking fountain,” the other boy said.
    â€œWhy?” Nilly asked, even more quietly. He knew the answer to that, too.
    The first boy shrugged. “Because … because … ,” he started, trying to think of the reason. And then all three of them—the two boys and Nilly, that is—all exclaimed in unison, “
because that’s just the way it is
.”
    The two boys looked around, obviously checking if any of the teachers were nearby. Then the bigger of the two boys grabbed Nilly’s collar and lifted himup. The other one took hold of Nilly’s legs, and then they carried him off toward the drinking fountain in the middle of the playground. Nilly hung there like a limp sack of flour between those two, studying a little white cloud that looked like an overfed rhinoceros up in the breathtakingly blue sky. He could hear how it got quiet around him as children joined the