Diary of a Wimpy Vampire Read Online Free Page B
Author: Tim Collins
this morning that I’d completely forgotten about. I hadn’t done any revision and I got it all wrong. It’s so horrible when you scan through the questions on a test and realize you can’t do any of them. I don’t know why humans think vampires are scary. Tests are much worse.
This afternoon I found out that the girls from the popular gang have given every boy in the class a mark out of ten for looks. I don’t care what the popular gang think about me, but I hope I didn’t get less than seven. I’m supposed to be a beautiful, aristocratic immortal. I’d be the first to admit that I’m not the best-looking vampire of all time, but I’d still like to think that I’m better than average-looking.
Jay from the tough gang waited outside the school gates tonight and gave everyone a dead arm on the way home (this is when he hits you so hard at the top of your arm that it goes numb). I didn’t mind because I can’t feel pain. Technically, the whole of me is dead, so a dead arm isn’t a big deal.
F RIDAY 4 TH F EBRUARY
Craig has seen the list of marks out of ten and apparently I got a four! According to him, only three people in the class got a worse score than me! And they include Darren, who has fleas.
Why do none of the girls fancy me? I’m a vampire, I should be the class heart-throb. Judging from my score, I’m more Quasimodo than Count Dracula.
I have thick black hair and deep-set eyes, although I’m not good at eye contact. My skin is pure white when it’s not plagued with rashes or acne. I’m also quite tall for my age, and I would surely have grown to over six feet if I’d stayed human longer.
Why don’t these elements combine to produce the deadly, hypnotic beauty that’s rightfully mine?
Perhaps one day they will, and all the girls in the popular gang will be begging to go out with me. And I will laugh in their silly little faces.
S ATURDAY 5 TH F EBRUARY
I asked Dad today about why I don’t have the same attractiveness as other vampires and he suggested it was to do with the age I transformed. He said that supernatural beauty is something grown-up vampires need to attract prey, but vampire children don’t need it because they have their parents to get food for them.
Could he be any more patronizing? For a start, I wasn’t a child when I transformed, I was fifteen, and mature for my age, so you’d think that the laws of vampire biology would have made an exception.
He also said that you don’t hear my sister complaining about it. Of course she doesn’t. She hates boys and would be happy enough to spend the rest of eternity getting pampered by my indulgent parents. All I can say is that she’d better hope they don’t bump into any vampire slayers, as I have no intention of looking after her if they aren’t around.
He did make one useful suggestion, though. He said that to humans, vampires smell of the thing they most desire. He suggested that I might be stifling my natural vampire aroma with deodorant. I know he dislikes the smell of the Lynx I spray on every morning, so he might just be saying this to make me stop using it, but I’ll try cutting it out next week and see if it makes me more alluring.
S UNDAY 6 TH F EBRUARY
Today we had a family outing to the seaside. My sister insisted that we all go on the ghost train even though it always makes her frightened. She had to bury her head in Mum’s gown when the carriage went past a luminous skeleton (or ‘skellington’ as she pronounces it). It was so pathetic.
The man in the ticket booth was dressed as a vampire, though he wasn’t putting much effort in. In fact, he was the first vampire I’ve ever seen who looked even more bored than me! He was also seriously overweight, which wouldn’t be possible for a real vampire. We live off human blood, not deep-crust pizzas.
M ONDAY 7 TH F EBRUARY
As suspected, Dad was talking nonsense about the whole vampire smell thing. I’ve been off the deodorant since Saturday, but far
This afternoon I found out that the girls from the popular gang have given every boy in the class a mark out of ten for looks. I don’t care what the popular gang think about me, but I hope I didn’t get less than seven. I’m supposed to be a beautiful, aristocratic immortal. I’d be the first to admit that I’m not the best-looking vampire of all time, but I’d still like to think that I’m better than average-looking.
Jay from the tough gang waited outside the school gates tonight and gave everyone a dead arm on the way home (this is when he hits you so hard at the top of your arm that it goes numb). I didn’t mind because I can’t feel pain. Technically, the whole of me is dead, so a dead arm isn’t a big deal.
F RIDAY 4 TH F EBRUARY
Craig has seen the list of marks out of ten and apparently I got a four! According to him, only three people in the class got a worse score than me! And they include Darren, who has fleas.
Why do none of the girls fancy me? I’m a vampire, I should be the class heart-throb. Judging from my score, I’m more Quasimodo than Count Dracula.
I have thick black hair and deep-set eyes, although I’m not good at eye contact. My skin is pure white when it’s not plagued with rashes or acne. I’m also quite tall for my age, and I would surely have grown to over six feet if I’d stayed human longer.
Why don’t these elements combine to produce the deadly, hypnotic beauty that’s rightfully mine?
Perhaps one day they will, and all the girls in the popular gang will be begging to go out with me. And I will laugh in their silly little faces.
S ATURDAY 5 TH F EBRUARY
I asked Dad today about why I don’t have the same attractiveness as other vampires and he suggested it was to do with the age I transformed. He said that supernatural beauty is something grown-up vampires need to attract prey, but vampire children don’t need it because they have their parents to get food for them.
Could he be any more patronizing? For a start, I wasn’t a child when I transformed, I was fifteen, and mature for my age, so you’d think that the laws of vampire biology would have made an exception.
He also said that you don’t hear my sister complaining about it. Of course she doesn’t. She hates boys and would be happy enough to spend the rest of eternity getting pampered by my indulgent parents. All I can say is that she’d better hope they don’t bump into any vampire slayers, as I have no intention of looking after her if they aren’t around.
He did make one useful suggestion, though. He said that to humans, vampires smell of the thing they most desire. He suggested that I might be stifling my natural vampire aroma with deodorant. I know he dislikes the smell of the Lynx I spray on every morning, so he might just be saying this to make me stop using it, but I’ll try cutting it out next week and see if it makes me more alluring.
S UNDAY 6 TH F EBRUARY
Today we had a family outing to the seaside. My sister insisted that we all go on the ghost train even though it always makes her frightened. She had to bury her head in Mum’s gown when the carriage went past a luminous skeleton (or ‘skellington’ as she pronounces it). It was so pathetic.
The man in the ticket booth was dressed as a vampire, though he wasn’t putting much effort in. In fact, he was the first vampire I’ve ever seen who looked even more bored than me! He was also seriously overweight, which wouldn’t be possible for a real vampire. We live off human blood, not deep-crust pizzas.
M ONDAY 7 TH F EBRUARY
As suspected, Dad was talking nonsense about the whole vampire smell thing. I’ve been off the deodorant since Saturday, but far
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