Diary of a Chav Read Online Free
PM — Of course, at the end of the day, I do feel partly responsible for all of this.
SUNDAY 6TH JANUARY
4 PM — Carrie and Carrie’s mum have just bumped into Miss Bunt with the moustache, our English teacher, in the pizza section of Asda. Carrie said that Miss Bunt says that she is no longer our English teacher. Carrie said Miss Bunt is going back to Adelaide in Australia to retrain as a florist. Carrie asked Miss Bunt if it was the Winter Festival that had done it. Miss Bunt said it was that and the constant nicknames she had to put up with from “some of the kids.” I feel terrible now. I was the one who started off “Hairy Bunt.”
11 PM — I’m a bit worried about school. I can’t sleep. It is not helping that Cava-Sue has been getting mushy phonecalls and texts all night. I asked her who they’re from and she said, “Mind your big nose, beakgirl.” I know they’re from Lewis, ’cos I’ve been pretending to be asleep but I am not.
11:15 PM — Cava-Sue needs to start being nicer to me or when I meet this “Lewis” I will totally grass her up about the panty-pad boobs she wore on New Year’s Eve. Cava-Sue is flatter than me. Cava-Sue’s baps make mine look like cantaloupe melons.
MONDAY 7TH JANUARY
BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!
Mr. Bamblebury gathered all of the Year Nines and Tens into the assembly room today and moaned at us about behavior. Mr. Bamblebury said the whole point of Marlowe Comprehensive School’s name being officially changed to the Mayflower Academy last September and being given all that money by the Prime Minister to become a center of excellence was that WE WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF!!
Mr. Bamblebury really really shouted when he said “new leaf” and stared at me and Luther and Chantalle and Carrie.
Mr. Bamblebury said that he was tired of the blatant disregard for rules, non-attendance, and general tomfoolery. (Tomfoolery! I love that word!! Why are some words so good?) Mr. Bamblebury said he was not standing for ANY MORE OF OUR DISRESPECT. Then he said that a number of measures were in place and we’d certainly be noticing them over the coming weeks. I don’t know what that meant.
Mr. Bamblebury said to begin with he wanted to see Uma Brunton-Fletcher in his office at 10 AM to talk about the FILTHY language and accusations about him and his pet cat on her My Space page. Kezia Marshall shouted out that he’d have a job doing that as Uma’s mother always takes her out of school during the first two weeks of January to go to the Dominican Republic.
Mr. Bamblebury’s eyes bulged out of his head then and he made us spend the next fifteen minutes singing gay songs about robins and rainbows from the
Come and Praise
songbook, while he stared out the window mumbling things that sounded like bad swear words.
Miss Bunt has definitely gone for good. Me and Carrie went to English today and Miss Bunt wasn’t there. We had a substitute teacher from Poland instead who had a small face and a long neck and looked a lot like Jar Jar Binks.
I didn’t learn her name as she won’t be here very long anyhow, so we all called her Jar Jar, not to her face though, just behind her back (although I have got quite a loud voice so she might have heard).
TUESDAY 8TH JANUARY
CARRIE DRAPER IS IN LOVE! With someone she doesn’t even know. She told me in math. This isn’t totally shocking news as Carrie is always falling in love. She was in love with Keith the Robbie Williams tribute bloke last week, but he hasn’t returned any emails to her and this is after him personally telling her to check out his MySpace and everything.
Anyway, now Carrie likes some lad that lives down Dawson Drive. Carrie said she sees him fixing his Vauxhall Nova with his mate when she is out walking Alexis, her mum’s Chihuahua. (Walking! Ha — that stupid fluffy thing just gets carried everywhere.)
Carrie said I must remember him as we saw him when we went on our walk at Christmas. So I said to
SUNDAY 6TH JANUARY
4 PM — Carrie and Carrie’s mum have just bumped into Miss Bunt with the moustache, our English teacher, in the pizza section of Asda. Carrie said that Miss Bunt says that she is no longer our English teacher. Carrie said Miss Bunt is going back to Adelaide in Australia to retrain as a florist. Carrie asked Miss Bunt if it was the Winter Festival that had done it. Miss Bunt said it was that and the constant nicknames she had to put up with from “some of the kids.” I feel terrible now. I was the one who started off “Hairy Bunt.”
11 PM — I’m a bit worried about school. I can’t sleep. It is not helping that Cava-Sue has been getting mushy phonecalls and texts all night. I asked her who they’re from and she said, “Mind your big nose, beakgirl.” I know they’re from Lewis, ’cos I’ve been pretending to be asleep but I am not.
11:15 PM — Cava-Sue needs to start being nicer to me or when I meet this “Lewis” I will totally grass her up about the panty-pad boobs she wore on New Year’s Eve. Cava-Sue is flatter than me. Cava-Sue’s baps make mine look like cantaloupe melons.
MONDAY 7TH JANUARY
BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!
Mr. Bamblebury gathered all of the Year Nines and Tens into the assembly room today and moaned at us about behavior. Mr. Bamblebury said the whole point of Marlowe Comprehensive School’s name being officially changed to the Mayflower Academy last September and being given all that money by the Prime Minister to become a center of excellence was that WE WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF!!
Mr. Bamblebury really really shouted when he said “new leaf” and stared at me and Luther and Chantalle and Carrie.
Mr. Bamblebury said that he was tired of the blatant disregard for rules, non-attendance, and general tomfoolery. (Tomfoolery! I love that word!! Why are some words so good?) Mr. Bamblebury said he was not standing for ANY MORE OF OUR DISRESPECT. Then he said that a number of measures were in place and we’d certainly be noticing them over the coming weeks. I don’t know what that meant.
Mr. Bamblebury said to begin with he wanted to see Uma Brunton-Fletcher in his office at 10 AM to talk about the FILTHY language and accusations about him and his pet cat on her My Space page. Kezia Marshall shouted out that he’d have a job doing that as Uma’s mother always takes her out of school during the first two weeks of January to go to the Dominican Republic.
Mr. Bamblebury’s eyes bulged out of his head then and he made us spend the next fifteen minutes singing gay songs about robins and rainbows from the
Come and Praise
songbook, while he stared out the window mumbling things that sounded like bad swear words.
Miss Bunt has definitely gone for good. Me and Carrie went to English today and Miss Bunt wasn’t there. We had a substitute teacher from Poland instead who had a small face and a long neck and looked a lot like Jar Jar Binks.
I didn’t learn her name as she won’t be here very long anyhow, so we all called her Jar Jar, not to her face though, just behind her back (although I have got quite a loud voice so she might have heard).
TUESDAY 8TH JANUARY
CARRIE DRAPER IS IN LOVE! With someone she doesn’t even know. She told me in math. This isn’t totally shocking news as Carrie is always falling in love. She was in love with Keith the Robbie Williams tribute bloke last week, but he hasn’t returned any emails to her and this is after him personally telling her to check out his MySpace and everything.
Anyway, now Carrie likes some lad that lives down Dawson Drive. Carrie said she sees him fixing his Vauxhall Nova with his mate when she is out walking Alexis, her mum’s Chihuahua. (Walking! Ha — that stupid fluffy thing just gets carried everywhere.)
Carrie said I must remember him as we saw him when we went on our walk at Christmas. So I said to
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