Diary of a Chav Read Online Free Page A

Carrie was it that guy with the strawberry nose who shouted at us and Carrie said no, don’t be sick, that was the park-keeper and he was like forty. Carrie said that the lad she is in love with is totally gorgeous and tall and he’s about eighteen and has a silver car with alloy wheels and silver wheel arches. I don’t remember him at all but Carrie says she’s seen him a few times now about Goodmayes and in Burger King once and he is lush.
    Nothing exciting happened at school today. That Jar Jar Binks woman tried to make us look at our GCSE set text,
Jane Eyre
by Charlotte Brontë. The book is about a munter teacher who lives in a castle or something. She tried to make us study a page then answer a question about why we thought the woman was so sad. What is the point? I’m not going to pass GCSE English, no chance.
    “Are there any queries?” Jar Jar said after we read through a page together.
    “Yeah miss, Sean Burton!” I shouted and pointed at Sean in our English class who dyes his hair blond and has a pink MySpace page and always goes on about his Kylie Minogue
Showgirls
DVD and wears concealer. Everyone laughed for ages and we got nothing done.
    Jar Jar Binks pulled a sad face. I think she’s done well to last two days.
    THURSDAY 10TH JANUARY
    Carrie dragged me and Alexis for a walk down Dawson Drive to see if we could spot “The Most Gorgeous Boy In The World Ever” and his mate. They weren’t there. Carrie was dead hacked off as she says TMGBITWE is always there poking his Nova with a spanner most nights and yesterday he even looked up and noticed her!
    Carrie said this was just her luck as Alexis the dog had just done a poo five minutes beforehand and Carrie was still carrying the poo in a little plastic bag looking for a trash bin to dump it in. This is why Carrie totally wanted to see TMGBITWE again tonight I think. Carrie is paranoid that TMGBITWE thinks she always carries about a small plastic bag of dog poo.
    Anyway, he wasn’t there and neither was his mate or the Vauxhall Nova. I hope something happens soon as I am sick of freezing my arse off on Dawson Drive carrying a dog that looks like something my nan once got me for my birthday to keep my pajamas in.
    SATURDAY 12TH JANUARY
    No school today, thank God. Me and Carrie went to Ilford Mall ’cos Carrie needed to take back the too-small Calvin Klein bra. All the usual Year Ten faces were down the mall. Chantalle, Luther, Kezia and like twenty other randoms were all on the third floor hanging about the food court stressing out the security guards by wearing their hoodies up and laughing too loudly and asking the staff at Magic Spuds for beakers of free tap water.
    So we were all laughing our heads off ’cos Luther had just tried to run down the up escalator, when the big scary Chinese security guard arrived and said we were taking up the tables where the real people could be sitting so we all had to go. So Kezia started getting all up in his face like a rudegirl going, “Like what am I bro? NOT A REAL PERSON?” And the security guard just laughed at her ’cos he was like two hundred fifty pounds and six feet tall and looked like he could kill her with one flick.
    Then Kezia said, “I got like civil liberties, y’know bredren!”
    And the security guard laughed and said, “You go have your civil liberties outside McDonald’s, not in my mall then.” Then he chucked us all out.
    Then me and Carrie left everyone and went to Superdrug to look at the nail polish. We were coming out of Superdrug and Carrie saw this dead fit lad with tiny cornrow dreads and wide shoulders called Lee Coatchford, who everyone calls Cotch, who used to work for Carrie’s dad as an apprentice at Draper Hydration after he got asked to leave Mayflower last year. But then Cotch left Draper Hydration ’cos he said he was going to go in the marines, but then he didn’t do that either so it seems.
    Anyway Carrie sees him and she says, “All right Cotch!”
    And Cotch