Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus Read Online Free

worth of stuff every single day that is so totally useless that we can just send it into space with total confidence that it could never possibly in any way benefit humanity?”
    I can answer that question in three simple words: “Fourth Class Mail.” Every day at
least
25 tons of this material is painstakingly mailed all over the United States and thrown away immediately upon receipt. Solid-waste experts estimate that 78 percent of our nation’s landfill capacity is currently occupied by sincere unopened letters from Ed McMahon informing people that they have almost definitely won $14 million. Why not just load this material directly into rockets? And consider this: If we send up MORE than 25 tons a day, the Earth would actually LOSE gravity. I calculate that every human being on the planet would instantly be six ounces lighter if we also sent Ed up there, not that I am necessarily proposing this.
    So I say let’s fire up the rockets and get this program going before gravity gets so strong that all we can do is lie on the ground, helpless, while turtles rain down upon us. If you agree, write to your senators and congresspersons today and let them know where you stand. Stress the urgency of the situation. Stress their responsibility as public officials. Above all, stress that there’s room in the rocket with Ed.

This certificate proves that I was confirmed at St. Stephen’s Episcopal Church on December 18, 1960. The church evidently had much lower standards in those days.

THE HOT SEAT

    I f you were to ask me how I came to set my toilet on fire, I would answer you in two simple words:
Reader’s Digest
.
    I am referring specifically to the February 1995 issue of
Reader’s Digest
, which was sent to me by alert reader Jeff Jerrell, who had spotted a startling article originally written for
Health
magazine by Mary Roach.
    The article is about germs, which are extremely tiny organisms—many of them smaller than the artist formerly known as Prince—that can be found in huge quantities virtually everywhere. To get an idea of what I mean, conduct the following:
Scientific Germ Experiment

    Get a microscope and some spit. Put the spit on a glass slide and put it under the microscope lens. Now look through the eyepiece. You’ll notice, if you look closely, that you can’t see anything, because you have no idea how to operate a microscope. But while you’re looking, billions of germs, left on the eyepiece by the previous microscope user, will swarm into your eyeball—which to them is a regular Club Med—and start reproducing like crazy via wild bacterial sex. You’ll probably need surgery.
    Getting back to
Reader’s Digest:
The February article concerns leading University of Arizona germ scientist Chuck Gerba, Ph.D., who is a serious student of bacteria found in bathrooms. Consider the following absolutely true facts:
He routinely goes into public rest rooms, unarmed, and takes bacteria samples from the toilets.
His son’s middle name is “Escherichia,” after
Escherichia coli
, also known as E.
coli
, which is a common type of fecal bacteria.
    Needless to say I had to call this man.
    “You named your son after
bacteria?”
was my opening question.
    “He finds that it’s a good conversation starter,” Gerba replied. “If we’d had a girl, we were going to name her ‘Sally Salmonella.’”
    Gerba told me that there are definite hazards associated with his line of study.
    “When you spend a lot of time taking samples on your knees in the stalls of public rest rooms,” he said, “people tend to call the cops on you. I’ve had to do some fast talking. I tell the cops, ‘It’s okay! I’m a scientist!’ And they say, ‘Yeah, right, we arrested a couple of scientists in this stall just last night.’”
    Gerba told me that, in the course of his studies, he has learned some Amazing Toilet Facts:
    Toilet Fact No. 1 —Based on scientific measurements of the holes in public-toilet seats, “Americans have