Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus Read Online Free Page A

the biggest butts in the world.”
    Toilet Fact No.
2
—In any group of public toilets, the first stall is likely to have the least bacteria, and the middle ones are likely to have the most, because more people use them. (In determining the rate of usage, Gerba went into public toilets and
numbered the toilet paper squares.)
    Toilet Fact No.
3
—The cleanest public toilets are found in national-chain restaurants; the worst are found in gas stations.
    “I’m surprised,” Gerba said, “that no new life form has ever evolved from a gas-station toilet.”
    Toilet Fact No. 4 —Every toilet user leaves a unique bacterial pattern; we know this thanks to a breakthrough technique Gerba developed called (I am not making any of this up) the Commode-A-Graph.
    “If there’s ever a crime committed on a toilet,” Gerba said, “I can tell you who did it.”
    (Asked if this technique could be a factor in the O.J. Simpson trial, Gerba replied, “Not unless he washed his hands in the toilet.”)
    Toilet Fact No. 5 —When you flush, a process called “aerosolization” takes place, in which the toilet shoots out an invisible cloud of tiny, germ-infested water droplets that get all over everything. In
Reader’s Digest
, author Roach quotes Gerba as saying that if you keep your toothbrush within six feet of a commode, “you’re basically brushing your teeth with toilet water.”
    So we see that a toilet is really nothing more than—to use a scientific parlance—a Yuck Bomb. The question is, what can you do about it? Is there any way to get a toilet
really
clean? This brings us to the truly fascinating part of Roach’s article, wherein Gerba and his family, demonstrating the only way to kill all the bacteria, put laboratory alcohol ontheir commode bowl and—this is right on page 64 of
Reader’s Digest
, if you don’t believe me—set it on fire.
    Let me stress right here that Gerba is a recognized toilet expert, and he had a fire extinguisher ready, and toilet-torching is VERY dangerous. You, the layperson, would be an irresponsible idiot to try it.
    Fortunately, I am not a layperson; I am a trained humor columnist, and if there’s one thing I enjoy, it’s a clean toilet. So I tried Gerba’s technique, and I have to say that, in a darkened room, a flaming toilet has a strange kind of beauty that can only be described as “a strange kind of beauty.”
    I’m tempted to speculate here on whether it might be possible to use this same technique to kill bacteria on other surfaces, such as the bodies of Tobacco Institute scientists, but I think I’m already in enough trouble as it is. So let me leave you with these important Toilet Health Reminders: (1) Avoid those middle stalls; (2) Move that toothbrush; and above all, (3) Don’t sit down until the bowl has completely cooled.

THE PILGRIMS
WERE TURKEYS

    T hanksgiving is a time of traditions, and there is no tradition more meaningful than the annual U.S. Department of Agriculture warning about fatal food-dwelling bacteria.
    This year, I’m pleased to report, the department has outdone itself: For the first time ever, the department has officially advised Americans
not to stuff their turkeys
. Many alert readers sent in an Associated Press item in which the acting director of the Agriculture Department’s Meat and Poultry Hot Line—whose name is (I am not making any of this up) Bessie Berry—is quoted as saying: “Improperly cooked stuffing can cause serious illness or even death.”
    I am frankly wondering if stuffing should be regulated, like assault rifles, to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands.
    Bank Teller:
May I help you?
    Robber:
Hand over the money!
    Second Bank Teller:
Do as he says! He’s holding improperly cooked stuffing!
    But the looming specter of a painful death should in no way dampen the festivity of your Thanksgiving dinner. Just make sure the food is prepared in accordance with federal guidelines (“STEP ONE: Lighting the Blowtorch”).