Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3) Read Online Free

combustion?”
    “Fireballs?”
    “Sure.”
    “Sir,” said Ravenus from the rear footwell.
    “Yeah?” said Julian. “What’s up, Ravenus?”
    “There are some snacks down here. Would you mind if I helped myself to some of them?”
    “Since when do you eat people snacks?”
    “They’re dead bugs.”
    “Ew,” said Julian. He really needed to clean his car more often. “Knock yourself out.”
    “If the vehicle is propelled by fireballs exploding inside it,” said Professor Goosewaddle, “then how is it that we, too, are not exploding?”
    “Listen, Professor,” said Julian. “I know all of this is very strange to you, and that you have a lot of questions. But I’m not equipped to answer those questions. We live in a world where very smart people, scientists and engineers, make things so that the rest of us stupid people don’t have to understand how they work. It’s great for us. It allows us to have all sorts of luxuries without having the first clue as to how they work.”
    Professor Goosewaddle frowned. “That sounds dangerous.”
    “Here’s an example,” said Julian. “Do you like music?”
    “What a peculiar question,” said the professor. “I don’t know of anyone who actively dislikes music.
    “Okay, good. Just sit back and enjoy.” Julian, keeping his eyes on the road, fumbled around behind the back seat until his hand found his CD binder. He pulled out a random CD. The Pixies: Doolittle . He nodded to himself in approval. There couldn’t be a better introduction to the music of Earth. He slipped the disc into the slot. They were only about five seconds into Debaser when Professor Goosewaddle flipped the fuck out.
    “What is this?” cried the professor. “Make it stop!” He leaned forward, stretching his little gnome arm out to punch random buttons on the car’s center console.
    “Hey!” said Julian. “Knock it off!”
    “I feel the icy breath of the spirits within!”
    “You just turned on the air conditioner, you idiot.” Julian slapped the professor’s hand away and turned off both the AC and the music. “Now just sit back and behave yourself. Don’t touch anything.”
    They drove in silent peace for a good thirty seconds or so before the passenger’s side window went down. Julian glanced to his right. The professor had found the window button. No harm in that, really. As long as he didn’t actually try to jump out the window, it was harmless. And he supposed they could use some fresh air.
    And then the window went back up.
    And then down.
    And then up.
    And then down again.
    And then up again.
    Julian made it through about six more cycles of this before he lost his shit. “STOP! Just stop it already! It goes up, it goes down! You’ve cracked the code! You’ve unraveled the mystery! Just please sit still for five more minutes!”
    Bayside Poison Control was easy enough to find. It looked to be a fairly new building in a part of town that had otherwise not seen much construction after hurricane Katrina had wiped the place flat. The only other car in the small parking lot beside the building was an early 90’s era Toyota Corolla. Not really what Julian expected a doctor to drive. Maybe toxicologists weren’t paid as well as neurosurgeons. Maybe he was just frugal. It didn’t matter. They were here. Julian parked the car, pulled up the handbrake, turned off the engine, and removed the key.
    “I’ll just be a minute,” Julian said to Professor Goosewaddle and Ravenus. “I’m just going to run around front and see if this place is open.” He pointed at the professor. “Don’t touch anything.”
    If not for the sign out front and the fact that it had a modest parking lot, the building could have easily been mistaken for a quaint suburban house. It had yellow siding, green-shuttered windows, and a friendly red door. A plaque to the side of the door read “Harvey Baxter PhD Toxicology”. This was the place, all right. Julian turned the knob. It turned freely.