BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival Read Online Free Page A

certain it wouldn’t be any different now.
    Still, he had to keep his thoughts clear and on the only important thing—finding Sarah.
     
     

 
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Four
     
     
    1954 – Somewhere on the Road
     
    I found it hard to believe that just a few days ago I’d been playing with Judy while Mama, Granddad and Grandmother were chatting and laughing in the kitchen. With Daddy still gone, everyone was cheerful. Peace, once again, had returned to the family.
    But now, Judy was gone, and Daddy kept yelling at me and wouldn’t tell me where we were going. I felt sad. I was hungry. Feelings stronger than I’d ever known before.
    He also didn’t bring any of my other clothes or my coat. Shivering, I tightly pulled my blanket around me, not knowing if I trembled more from the cold, or from fright of the unknown.
    I watched the back of Daddy’s head for a long time. Occasionally, I’d get a glimpse of his face, and quickly closed my eyes. If he looked back at me I wanted him to think I was still sleeping.
    We’d been on the road several days before I saw a smile cross his face. Seeing that, I started to feel a little bit better, but I wouldn’t ask about Judy anymore. She was gone. I had to accept that.
    I didn’t know how long I’d slept, or if I’d actually gone to sleep at all, but I wanted all this to be a bad nightmare; I’d wake up in my bed with Judy next to me, my grandparents sleeping in the other room, and Mama coming home to fix pancakes.
    But I knew it wasn’t a nightmare. It was very real and very frightening.
    Still, I had to know. I had to take a chance—no matter the consequences. Sitting up, I took a deep breath, and asked, “Daddy, does Mama know where we’re going?”
    “Don’t talk about her ever again, Sarah.” His voice was stern, but soft. “Your Mama doesn’t want us to live with her anymore.”
    “No, Daddy. She just wants you to get a job and…”
    Cutting his eyes back at me, they looked cold as steel. “Sarah, listen to me. She doesn’t love me, or you, anymore. I talked to her the night we left and she has another man in her life. She told me to leave, and to take you with me.”
    Looking back with a fiery look in his eyes, he added, “Like I said—do not talk about her again. She’s history. She’s not a part of our lives ever again. Do you hear me?”
    Crying, I nodded, then lying down, I hugged my blanket with all my might. I couldn’t—I wouldn’t—believe what he’d said! I know Mama loves me. I know she does! I don’t care what he says! I know she cares and she does love me !
    I cried for hours, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t understand why Daddy said Mama didn’t want me, or why I had to leave my home, and…and Judy. Mama said she’d see me in the morning, and she’d never lied to me! Why was Daddy being mean to me? Was he so mad at Mama he hated me, too?
     
     
    I cried a lot in the beginning, and Daddy would yell at me to be quiet. Once he hit me in the face with the back of his hand when I mentioned Mama. After that, I still cried, but silently so he couldn’t hear me.
    Day turned into night over and over again. I didn’t know where we were, or where we were going. I didn’t know what day it was, or if we’d ever go home again. I felt so lonely; so lost.
    Each night I prayed for God to take me to live with Him, and if He could, bring Judy back to me. But when I’d awake, still in the car with Daddy, I knew God hadn’t heard my prayers. He never heard me. If He existed, He didn’t love me either.
    It had been several days since Daddy had slapped me, and he still wasn’t talking to me very much. I kept telling him I was hungry, but he’d say we hadn’t been to a town yet and for me to go back to sleep.
    One night I found a few old cookie crumbs in the seam of the seat from a trip we’d taken a while ago. They were stale and hard, but they tasted so good!
    Sleep had been the only thing that helped stop the hurt in my