BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival Read Online Free Page B

heart and the pangs in my stomach. Daddy must be hungry, too, I thought, but I knew it was useless to complain.
    Cold, hungry, lost and alone—facts of life—maybe forever.
    Still, I kept thinking we’d get to a town soon. I couldn’t find any more crumbs, but Daddy wouldn’t let me starve. I had to believe that to keep going—and to keep loving him.
    I know he loves me. It’s my fault I made him yell at me. Just like Mama made him yell at her. He doesn’t like to be argued with, and I know that! I just have to do as told, and then everything will be okay .
    Lying in the fetal position, the pain in my stomach didn’t feel as bad while I waited for sleep to come, and then wonderful dreams of playing with Judy would help my heart not feel as heavy. Finally, falling asleep, the gnarling pain in my stomach drifted away.
    When I awoke it was dark and the car wasn’t moving. Sitting up, I looked around and saw Daddy inside a restaurant. I was so happy! “But why didn’t he wake me? He knows how hungry I am!”
    Tears came to my eyes as I sat watching him take bite after bite and a growl came from deep inside my stomach. “He just didn’t want to wake me! I know he’ll bring me something to eat!”
    I tried to rationalize what I saw, the way a little girl who loved her daddy—no matter what—would do. As I continued watching, I just couldn’t believe he’d do anything to hurt me. Bite after bite, my mouth watered, but I knew not to get out of the car, and I didn’t want to make him mad again by disobeying.
    I watched until I had to lie down. Seeing him eat became too painful and my stomach hurt so much. I finally fell asleep and dreamed of all the foods I liked the most: hamburgers, hot dogs, ice cream, macaroni & cheese…
    When I awoke the car was moving again. Thrilled, I sat up, trying to look into the front seat. “Daddy, what did you get me to eat?”
    Moments of silence passed, and not seeing anything in the seat, or smelling anything either, I didn’t understand the look on his face. Was he mad at me?
    “You must’ve been dreaming, Sarah. We haven’t gotten to a town yet, sweetie. Lie down and go to sleep. I’ll wake you when we get to a town.” 
    I can’t believe this! I saw him! He was eating! I was awake! I wasn’t dreaming! I saw him eating ! 
    “But, Daddy…”
    “This is a long stretch of road, Sarah. We’ll get to a town soon. Go to sleep. When you wake up we’ll have dinner.” 
    Why? How can he lie to me like this? His own daughter who worships him … who loves him! Doesn’t he love me anymore, at all ? I stood looking at him, but his eyes remained straight ahead, watching the road, not saying another word.
    Lying in the darkness, I watched the back of his head, and thought, I won’t sleep. You won’t get away with this again! Never again! I won’t let you starve me to death! If you want rid of me you’ll just have to find another way!
     
     
    Night turned to day and back to night again. I didn’t look out the window much anymore, but once while sitting up, I saw a sign: You Are Entering Oklahoma . Now I knew where we were, but I didn’t know where Oklahoma was.
    When it got dark I lay down to wait for the car to stop. Several times Daddy looked into the back seat, but he didn’t say anything. I was glad it was dark so he couldn’t see me watching him.
    When the car began to slow down, I knew he’d be checking to see if I was asleep, so I lay very, very still. Reflections of light broke up the darkness, and I quickly closed my eyes. When he did look back he wouldn’t know I was awake.
    I remained very still, holding my breath. When his car door opened, I sat up, surprising him. I looked out the window, and exclaimed, “Yeah! A town! I’m so hungry, Daddy!”
    The look on his face expressed total shock, and he stammered, “Uh…uh…Sarah.  I…I thought you were still asleep, baby. Well, come on! Let’s get somethin’ to eat. I’m starvin’, too.”
    I knew