Barfing in the Backseat Read Online Free Page B
Author: Henry Winkler, Lin Oliver
my Rice Dream Supreme. He barked again, which I think meant, “If you eat enough of it, this stuff starts to taste like chalk.”
“Here is my rule, Hank, which is now your rule,” my dad said, giving me the big serious stare down he’s perfected over the years. “If that packet is not completed by the time we reach the Colossus Coaster Kingdom, there will be no rides for you. Not even the merry-go-round.”
“Now that’s an excellent rule, Dad,” Emily said.
“No, here is an even better excellent rule,” I said to her. “Little sisters should keep their mouths shut when they don’t know what they’re talking about, which is pretty much all the time.”
“Hank, don’t talk to your sister like that,” my dad said. “She’s just trying to help you.”
“Hankie,” Papa Pete said, giving my shoulder a big squeeze. “Just do a little bit every day, and before you know it, it’ll be done.”
“Easy as pie,” I said, flashing a thumbs up to my dad. “I’ll be on top of it, don’t you worry.”
I tried to look confident on the outside. But inside, I had this sinking feeling as I thought about all of those pages of schoolwork. What a rip-off. I was getting no break from homework, even on winter break. This was not a vacation—this was a
workation.
Oh, Ms. Adolf! Who invited you along on the Zipzer family road trip?
I DON ’ T KNOW HOW many of you have ever taken a road trip with an iguana in the car, but just in case you ever find yourself in that sorry situation, here’s something you need to know.
Iguanas are very fussy about where they sit.
At least, that’s what my sister Emily told us the next morning when we were ready to leave.
It was early Sunday morning, and my dad had brought the minivan to the front of our apartment building from the garage where we keep it a couple blocks away. It was freezing cold, so we loaded our suitcases into the back of the car in a big hurry. I couldn’t wait to get inside, where it was nice and toasty from the car heater.
“Okay,” my dad said once the suitcases were stacked neatly in the luggage compartment.“Everybody in. Frankie and Hank, you guys sit in the middle seat. Emily and Katherine in the way back.”
“That’s not going to work for Kathy,” Emily said. “She gets carsick in the way back.”
“How do you know?” I asked. “She’s never even been in the car.”
“Oh yes she has,” Emily answered. “Remember that time we drove to Aunt Maxine’s out on Long Island? Katherine rode in the way back and she turned all green in the face.”
“That’s because she
is
green,” I said. Frankie started to laugh.
“Hank, why don’t you and Frankie sit in the way back and let Emily and Katherine have the middle seat,” my mom suggested.
“That’s not going to work for Kathy, either,” Emily said. “There’s a draft in the middle seat that comes in through a crack in the window. I don’t want Katherine catching a cold and getting a stuffy nose.”
“Neither do I,” I answered. “If her big snout blows, we’ll all get slimed by lizard snot.”
“Hey, then Katherine will be just like Robert,” Frankie said, laughing so hard he spit out a biteof bagel he was munching on.
“You boys are disgusting,” Emily said.
“Oh, and your scaly iguana isn’t?”
I looked inside Katherine’s crate, just to check. She was just lying there on some clawed up newspaper, munching on a brownish piece of wilted lettuce. Yup, she was still disgusting, all right. No doubt about it.
“Emily,” my dad said, getting a little impatient with her, which is something that doesn’t happen very often. “Where do you suggest Katherine sit?”
“I think she and I should ride shotgun, next to you.”
“Oh no!” I shouted. “That’s definitely not happening. If anyone’s going to ride shotgun other than Mom, it’s going to be me. After all, I am the oldest child.”
“I’m making a decision,” my dad said, shivering from the cold
“Here is my rule, Hank, which is now your rule,” my dad said, giving me the big serious stare down he’s perfected over the years. “If that packet is not completed by the time we reach the Colossus Coaster Kingdom, there will be no rides for you. Not even the merry-go-round.”
“Now that’s an excellent rule, Dad,” Emily said.
“No, here is an even better excellent rule,” I said to her. “Little sisters should keep their mouths shut when they don’t know what they’re talking about, which is pretty much all the time.”
“Hank, don’t talk to your sister like that,” my dad said. “She’s just trying to help you.”
“Hankie,” Papa Pete said, giving my shoulder a big squeeze. “Just do a little bit every day, and before you know it, it’ll be done.”
“Easy as pie,” I said, flashing a thumbs up to my dad. “I’ll be on top of it, don’t you worry.”
I tried to look confident on the outside. But inside, I had this sinking feeling as I thought about all of those pages of schoolwork. What a rip-off. I was getting no break from homework, even on winter break. This was not a vacation—this was a
workation.
Oh, Ms. Adolf! Who invited you along on the Zipzer family road trip?
I DON ’ T KNOW HOW many of you have ever taken a road trip with an iguana in the car, but just in case you ever find yourself in that sorry situation, here’s something you need to know.
Iguanas are very fussy about where they sit.
At least, that’s what my sister Emily told us the next morning when we were ready to leave.
It was early Sunday morning, and my dad had brought the minivan to the front of our apartment building from the garage where we keep it a couple blocks away. It was freezing cold, so we loaded our suitcases into the back of the car in a big hurry. I couldn’t wait to get inside, where it was nice and toasty from the car heater.
“Okay,” my dad said once the suitcases were stacked neatly in the luggage compartment.“Everybody in. Frankie and Hank, you guys sit in the middle seat. Emily and Katherine in the way back.”
“That’s not going to work for Kathy,” Emily said. “She gets carsick in the way back.”
“How do you know?” I asked. “She’s never even been in the car.”
“Oh yes she has,” Emily answered. “Remember that time we drove to Aunt Maxine’s out on Long Island? Katherine rode in the way back and she turned all green in the face.”
“That’s because she
is
green,” I said. Frankie started to laugh.
“Hank, why don’t you and Frankie sit in the way back and let Emily and Katherine have the middle seat,” my mom suggested.
“That’s not going to work for Kathy, either,” Emily said. “There’s a draft in the middle seat that comes in through a crack in the window. I don’t want Katherine catching a cold and getting a stuffy nose.”
“Neither do I,” I answered. “If her big snout blows, we’ll all get slimed by lizard snot.”
“Hey, then Katherine will be just like Robert,” Frankie said, laughing so hard he spit out a biteof bagel he was munching on.
“You boys are disgusting,” Emily said.
“Oh, and your scaly iguana isn’t?”
I looked inside Katherine’s crate, just to check. She was just lying there on some clawed up newspaper, munching on a brownish piece of wilted lettuce. Yup, she was still disgusting, all right. No doubt about it.
“Emily,” my dad said, getting a little impatient with her, which is something that doesn’t happen very often. “Where do you suggest Katherine sit?”
“I think she and I should ride shotgun, next to you.”
“Oh no!” I shouted. “That’s definitely not happening. If anyone’s going to ride shotgun other than Mom, it’s going to be me. After all, I am the oldest child.”
“I’m making a decision,” my dad said, shivering from the cold