Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations Read Online Free Page A

$1–$49)
     
Official City Museum Badge.
A private tour of the City Museum, conducted by the Head Curator.
    P ATRON (C ONTRIBUTIONS OF $50–$299)
     
Official City Museum Tie.
Invitation to have tea with the Head Curator and his family at his private residence.
    A NGEL (C ONTRIBUTIONS OF $300–$799)
     
Permission to destroy any work of art and replace it with your own work.
The Head Curator will perform a dance for you in front of his peers.
    M ESSIAH (C ONTRIBUTIONS OF $800-$2,999)
     
The Head Curator will come to your house and make you dinner. After dinner he will massage your back with oils.
The Head Curator will dance for you twice, once in front of his peers and once in front of his own children.
    P HARAOH (C ONTRIBUTIONS OF $3,000-$24,999)
     
Whenever the Head Curator sees you, he will salute, curtsy, and then run in place until you motion for him to stop.
Unlimited dances.
    W ARLORD (C ONTRIBUTIONS OF $25,000 AND UP )
     
One night with the Head Curator’s wife.
Whenever you snap your fingers, the Head Curator will drop whatever it is he is doing and burst spontaneously into song.
15 % discount at Gift Shop.

baseball’s hardest worker
    Nobody in the history of baseball had it rougher than Cy Young, the most durable pitcher the game has ever known.
    C LEVELAND S TADIUM DUGOUT , 1904
    CY : I don’t know if I can handle another triple-header. Couldn’t we have some sort of rotation system?
    MANAGER : What’s with you today, Cy? You haven’t sold a single hot dog, the dugout’s filthy, the scoreboard’s busted. That’s three strikes. You only have five strikes left.
    CY : Can we please lower the number of strikes per out?
    MANAGER : Strike four, Cy.
    L ATER THAT DAY
    CY : Tomorrow’s my seventy-fifth birthday. Can I please have the day off?
    MANAGER : Can’t do that, Cy. We’ve got fifty games tomorrow and you’re pitching all of them.
    CY : Oh my God. Who’s catching?
    MANAGER : Who’s what?
    C HILDREN’S HOSPITAL WARD
    CY : So, how many strikeouts is it going to take for you to walk again?
    SICK BOY : I need two kidneys.
    CY : What?
    DOCTOR : Remove the jersey.

———————
orel hershiser
I’d like to thank God for this victory.
I couldn’t have done it without him .
—OREL HERSHISER, L.A. Dodgers
    ANGEL : God? Can I talk to you for a second?
    GOD : I’m watching the game.
    ANGEL : I know—I’m sorry for interrupting. I just wanted to tell you: There’s been a flood in Asia. Four hundred thousand people have lost their homes.
    GOD : Listen, I don’t think you understand. Orel Hershiser is on the mound. If he wins this game, he’ll improve his record to 13-3. That’s ten games over .500.
    ANGEL : I know, I’m sorry, it’s just… If we don’t act in the next thirty minutes, thousands of people might drown.
    GOD : Slide, Martinez! Slide, dammit! I’m sorry …I wasn’t listening. What were you saying?
    ANGEL : If you don’t stop the rains soon, thousands will die. They’ve been praying all night. I really think you should answer them.
    GOD : It looks like I’m going to have to intervene.
    ANGEL : Really? Oh, that’s great news!
    ANNOUNCER : Orel Hershiser winds up … Strike three! Wow—that fastball came out of nowhere!
    GOD : Boo-yah! That’s what I’m talking about!
    ANGEL : When you said you were going to intervene … were you talking about the baseball game or the flood?
    GOD : What flood?
    ANGEL : (sighing) There’s been a flood in Asia. Hundreds of thousands of people—
    GOD : Shit! Hold on a second …I need to concentrate.
    ANNOUNCER : Mike Piazza pounds Hershiser’s curveball into deep right field! He’s rounding second … he should get to third base easily … Oh no! He’s down! His leg just buckled underneath him! He’s screaming now … wow … he really seems to be in a lot of pain. Here comes the tag … he’s out. Looks like the Dodgers are the winners. Although I’m sure they didn’t want to win like this .
    ANGEL : Okay, the game’s