Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations Read Online Free

lost forty pounds for the role.
    Sometimes, when I’m alone, I think about how great visible life would be. People nodding hello. Cars slowing down. That’s usually when I commit a really terrible sexual act of some kind.

crayola co.
    —Thanks for coming, Samuel.
    —No problem, boss. I’ll have those new color names on your desk by five.
    —That’s fine. Listen, Sam … have you been having problems at home?
    —Well, actually, yeah. How did you know? Who told you?
    —Well… to be honest, I could sort of tell by the quality of your work.
    —But I’ve been writing ten crayon titles a day!
    —I know, but some of these colors … Sad Blue …Sad Green … Horrible Red … Sad Red … Really Sad Blue … Divorce Sienna … Divorce Brown … Divorce Green … Divorce Pink … It’s just … a little repetitive, you know?
    —Well, all the colors have been more or less the same lately. What can I say? When it comes to crayon naming,you have to go with your first instinct. Like, look at this new shade of orange. What pops into your mind?
    —I don’t know … sunshine?
    —Well, yeah. Or divorce. I would say Divorce Orange. Except there already is a Divorce Orange. So then …I guess, no name. Just a nameless color.
    —I think maybe you need a vacation.
    —Really?
    —Look, to be honest, last month’s colors were a little off too. Adultery Red … Ultimatum Pink … Lawyers Green … Settlement Blue … Countersettlement Light Blue … Maybe you need to take some time away from the office. You know, to resolve the crisis in your marriage?
    —Look, boss. No offense, but I’m just not buying all this psychobabble. I mean, Craig came up with Ladybug Red today. That doesn’t mean he has a bug problem at home or whatever.
    —Okay. But what about your colors from two months ago? Temptation Red? Considering Adultery Blue? Considering Adultery Yellow?
    —What about them?
    —I think you should take the rest of the day off.
    —Okay, you’re the boss. I guess I’ll see you divorce.
    —Do you mean … “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
    —That’s what I said.

“may or may not contain peanuts”
    —Boss? I got to talk to you. It’s about Al. I think it’s time for him to retire.
    —Peanut Al? No way. That guy’s been the heart and soul of this factory for decades.
    —I know, but he’s really dropping the ball out there. His only job is to put peanuts into the batter. And half the time he forgets .
    —I know! It’s just … Al used to be the best peanut man in the business. I can’t throw him out onto the streets! Even if he is ninety-seven.
    —Hello, boss. Peanut Al here.
    —Hi, Al! How are you holding up?
    —I don’t remember if I added the peanuts or not.
    —Jesus.
    —Peanut Al is going home to sleep. Tired as all hell.
    —All right. Goodbye, Al.
    —Peanut Al needs to get some rest. You know what? I don’t remember a goddamn thing that happened today. I might’ve put something in the batter. Not peanuts.
    —Wow.
    —See you tomorrow.
    —See what I mean, boss? What are we going to do?
    —I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to figure out something to write on the label.

medieval england
    In medieval England, all measurements were based on the king’s body parts.
    AT THE CRICKET MATCH
    —Wow, he tossed that over thirty feet!
    —Thirty Henry feet?
    —No. Thirty James feet.
    —Oh. That’s only ten Henry feet.
    —I know. Or five Henry thumbs.
    —Henry was a terrifying man.
    —Let’s not talk about him.
    AT THE TAILOR
    —I’d like a suit.
    —No problem. How tall are you?
    —Let’s see … about one king tall.
    —Can you be more specific?
    —Well, actually, no.
    —Dammit.
    —I also need some gloves. My hands are… about one hand long.
    —Yes, I can see that.
    AT THE DOCTOR
    —Your blood pressure is two Henrys.
    —Is that good or bad?
    —It’s really bad.

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