Travels with Penny: True Tales of a Gay Guy and His Mother Read Online Free

appear casual. When I looked up again, I saw Mr. No Shirt Ass Man placing the tray of cock rings into the glass display case, but Mom was nowhere to be seen.
    “Where did my mom go?” I asked Mr. No Shirt Ass Man.
    “She went that way,” pointing behind me into the bowels of the store. “You’re lucky. My mom isn’t half this fun.”
    “She’s not supposed to be fun, she’s my mother.” Why the hell didn’t these people understand the seriousness of this situation? If other moms wanted to explore the wide world of cock rings, vibrators and anal ticklers, knock ‘em dead. Go Gloria Steinem. But for God’s sake, don’t take my mother.
    I caught sight of her at the top of the spiral staircase that lead to the basement.
    “Mom!” I shouted. Shoppers looked up; more out of curiosity for a possible new sex game than annoyance, I’m sure. Gary and Troy chuckled at me from lingerie. Mom ignored me. I dashed to the staircase and caught her elbow just as her foot hit the first step.
    “Don’t go down there,” I said.
    “Why? What’s down there?”
    “The fun stuff.” Gary and Troy suddenly appeared at her side, their hands on her shoulders, urging her into the dark basement. That’s the moment I decided they were evil and must be destroyed. “Mom, really, there are things down there which defy description. Things you have never seen before and hopefully will die having never seen them.”
    Mom’s eyes lit up, flashing JACKPOT.
    “I’ll take you down,” Gary said. Mom took his outstretched arm. I burst between them and pried them apart.
    “We’re leaving,” I said.
    “Seriously, David,” she looked at me. “I’m curious and you never let me have any fun.” Then, with glee, she pointed over my shoulder, “Look! A sale!” With that, she jogged over to the erotic bras.
    Several minutes later, I had the three of them safely back on the street. At the time, I was relieved to have my mother out of the den of depravity. It was only later that I realized I was living through one of the signs of the apocalypse: I now considered the streets of New York a Safe Zone.
    “Mom,” I tried to sound as stern as I could, “do not tell Dad you went to a sex shop.”
    “That was a very interesting place,” she said.
    “Mom, I’m serious. Please do not tell Dad you went to a sex shop. He’ll think I’m irresponsible and not taking care of you.”
    “He will not.”
    “Please, Ma. I don’t want him to worry about us.”
    “Yeah, yeah, all right,” she waved me aside as if I were a bug.
    Hours and God-knows how many dollars later, the four of us returned to the rented apartment rooms exhausted: Mom from splurging at every hole-in-the-wall boutique she could find and me from chasing her around Manhattan. I didn’t know where she got her energy, but I hope I have half as much when I get to be her age. I threw some packages onto the floor of the living room as Gary and Troy threw themselves onto the hide-a-bed and picked up the TV remote.
    “What the hell are you two doing?” I demanded. They stared blankly at me, pretending they didn’t understand what I was talking about.
    “If you can’t play nicely with my mom, you can’t come with us tomorrow.”
    “Dave, don’t you think you’re overreacting just a bit?” Gary said.
    “I don’t care. Promise me, no sex shops.”
    “Dave, she’s a lot of fun—”
    “What’s next? Buying crack on the street corner? How about taking her to a whorehouse while we’re at it?”
    “She has two kids. She knows what sex is.”
    “I’ll ditch you two. I swear to God.”
    “I still don’t understand your problem,” Troy said clicking through the channels.
    “My father—”
    “Isn’t here,” he reminded me. “Your mother wants a vacation, Dave. You’re worse than a nun. Really, what are you protecting her from?”
    I hate logical questions.
    “Tomorrow will be easier for you,” Gary promised. “We have tickets to that play.”
    “Something