Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD Read Online Free Page B

you are not doing
them already. ADD takes a lot out of parents. The child's defiant behaviour is
often well `over the top'. It is natural that you should have lost confidence in
some aspects of your parenting and particularly in your ability to create
change. After all, you probably feel you have been trying to do this for years
with little success. Don't worry - once you know exactly what to do you will
be able to make progress.
    But if you are still hearing those negative messages, then I suggest you
reread Chapter 5, `Don't be Hard on Yourself!'
    ADDapt and the problem of change
    ADDapt can change your life - providing you apply it with dedication and
persistence. You will have been striving to achieve change for some time, and
a desire for change is probably the reason you are reading this book.
However, all too often, parents get discouraged when the first setbacks and
hiccups occur. I have looked closely at the reasons why they falter when it
comes to making the real changes they need. I have interviewed families to
find out what happened in the first weeks of the programme, and the results
have been very revealing. Three factors, it seems, contribute to parents
dropping out early on:

    ambivalent feelings about the ADD diagnosis
    parents having problems working together
    parents clinging to the old ways of disciplining and punishing their
children.
    The basics that you need to have in place right now
    I now need you, armed with your new knowledge, to make three important
changes - if you have not already done so - in order to get the most out of
ADDapt.
    1. Accept that ADD has changed the lives of you and your child
    I wantyou to fully accept the idea that your child has ADD. If either you or your
partner secretly believes that ADD is not a disorder but the result of bad
parenting, it will be hard to embrace fully the ADDapt programme. If
anyone in the family harbours the belief that nothing is really wrong or that
the fault lies with the child -'He's just a devious, attention-seeking brat who
needs a good hiding', for example - he or she will cling to old ways of
responding which usually mean applying harsher discipline and making
critical comments.
    2. Work together
    ADDapt needs all the adults in the life of the child to create and maintain a united front.
If you are parenting with someone and you don't see eye to eye on the points
raised by ADDapt, it will be hard to work together. If you don't work
together, ADDapt may not work at all. Disagreements will increase the
tension and conflict. If this is a likely problem area for you, you need to look
at it now. Appendix 1, `Working in Partnership', specifically addresses these
issues, covers the problems in detail and offers strategies that will help.
    3. Be prepared to give up your old ways of disciplining
    If your old ways of disciplining and punishing your child were going to work, they
would have done so by now! Many parents resort to smacking and shouting as
their way of teaching children about rules, but ADD children can find
themselves receiving more than their fair share of both.

    Parents who have used ADDapt tell me that it makes them aware of just
how critical and punitive their parenting had become. This realisation can
feel uncomfortable. Try not to allow guilt to take over (see Chapter 5). These
guilty feelings can hold you back from taking action. Always remember, you
were doing the best you could.
    The best action you can take to neutralise your guilty feelings at this stage
is to put your old strategies to one side and experiment with new ones. It will mean
cutting down on smacks, shouting, punishments and arguments. This can be
hard. Some of the alternatives I offer may at first glance seem rather strange,
but don't judge them too quickly. Please give them a try - and see how
effective they can be!
    ADD children and change: Expect resistance
    I warn you now that your child is going to resist change. Change