How to Be a Person Read Online Free Page B

start looking for your next crush. At this rate, you’re going to get laid—and make collateral friends along the way—at a nearly alarming rate.
    How to Ask Someone Out
    When you’re trying to “seal the deal” with a “fly mammy” or a “drunk guy walking past your apartment,” it’s a good idea to have a list of super-alluring catchphrases in your back pocket (keep yours laminated for maritime seductions). Stuff like “Guess what? I’m about to blow your mind.” And “Hold still while I put this in there .” And “Don’t look doooooooown (because I’m fingering you)!” That way, whoever you’re trying to put it in knows you’re a classy, serious lover who is not to be kept waiting. And also that you will finger on the first date.
    Just kidding. Have you tried “Hey, would you like to hang out sometime?” Or “Do you want to go see this band/movie/weird bug that looks really great?” Because that would be a good place to start.
    How to Take Someone on a Romantic Date
    Yay! Good idea! How cute of you! There are a lot of ways to go about this, but the main thing is: Be thoughtful. Pay attention to what the other person likes. Are they a vegetarian? Did they mention wanting to try a particular restaurant? Did they tell you that Vietnamese food gives them diarrhea-hives? Try to avoid restaurants that will give your beloved or hopefully-beloved-to-be diarrhea-hives. Diarrhea-hives are not romantic. Tell your date they look pretty/handsome. Don’t be boring. Ask questions. Candles are nice. Flowers aren’t necessary but HOLY SHIT ARE THEY EXCITING. Cooking at home (see What No One Else Will Tell You About Food ) isn’t necessary but HOLY FUCK IS IT ADORABLE. The idea here is to make the other person feel special, so just treat the other person like they are special (not special like Special Olympics—come on) and you win. Oh, and kiss your special person. KISS THEM. KISS THEM SO MUCH.
    How to Kiss
    Start slow. You don’t even have to open your mouth yet. Did you know that? Just put your lips against the other person’s lips. Good job! Do it again! Do it slower. Smile. Cute, right? Okay, now. Part your lips a little bit. Breathe through your nose (you brushed your teeth, didn’t you!? GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH) and gently touch your tongue tothe other person’s tongue. The other person, hopefully, will be doing the same thing. Try to minimize saliva. Pull back. Start again. See what feels good. You can bite a person’s lip a little (that’s A LITTLE) if you want. You can take a person’s face in your hands. Just follow your instincts. It’s all about empathy here (all of sex is, really)—do you want a weird, hard tongue flicking in and out of your mouth at a rapid rate like a Komodo dragon advancing on a goat carcass? No? Do you want someone else’s tongue shoved forcibly and wholly into your mouth like a gross carnivorous cave-slug? No???? THEN DON’T DO THAT TO SOMEBODY ELSE, KOMODO SLUG-MOUTH. Kissing doesn’t have to be gross, but it really, really can be. Don’t be part of the problem. Don’t be a slug-mouth.
    How to Successfully Put Your Parts in or on Another Person
    Communication is important. Unless you’re having sex with one of those (annoying) people who doesn’t like to talk specifics because it ruins the “moment” or the “mystery,” just go ahead and ASK. What do they like? What gives them the carnal tingles? What gets them off? Listen to what they say, and tell them what you want, too. Then, whatever you talked about, both of you do that with your genitals. Bingo! If you are a shy flower who just wants to DO dirty things without having to TALK about dirty things, pay close attention to your partner’s body language and vocalizations. If they start making a noise like they like something, do more of that thing.
    If they fall asleep, you’re fired. To sum up: friction, repetition, enthusiasm, repeat. No teeth.
    Different Sexual Positions You Need to Try in College
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