How to Be a Person Read Online Free

all, BARBECUE. Third of all, SEXY VAMPIRES!!! The South might not be the number-one easiest place to move if you’re a non-straight or a non-white or a non-vampire-hunter, but it’s the 21st century and things are loosening up. Try big cities (Atlanta, Houston) and university towns (Austin, Chapel Hill), which tend to be more liberal. And full of vampires.
    The Northeast
    MASCOT : Ben Affleck.
    MOTTO : “Wheeyad yoo fahkin’ PAHK the CAH!?”
    MAIN ATTRACTIONS : The Statue of Liberty (New York), Walden Pond (Massachusetts), Irish pubs (fucking everywhere), lobsters (watching you while you sleep).
    Vermont and New Hampshire are exactly the same, except that part of New Hampshire is a suburb of Boston, whereas all ofVermont is a village. Rhode Island exists so that Massachusetts can feel better about itself. Every state north of Massachusetts is where they wear flannel and talk slower. Connecticut is “more than just an extension of New York, damn it! We also have several hills and fences made out of stone!” Maine is a vast, unconquered territory of pine trees and bogs. New York thinks it’s better than you, and it’s kind of right.
    The Mountains
    MASCOT : Ted Kaczynski.
    MOTTO : “Get off my land!”
    MAIN ATTRACTIONS : Snow, sky, geysers, Testicle Festival (Montana).
    The mountains are where people go when they don’t want to be bothered. So QUIT BOTHERING THEM. Colorado is full of great skiing and creepy Christians. Wyoming is whatever Wyoming is. North Dakota is flat and brown. South Dakota is beautiful and full of bikers. Don Johnson lives in Colorado. Huey Lewis lives in Montana. Literally nobody lives in Idaho. People look to the mountain states to fulfill their idealistic dreams of the classic American West—but, of course, that dream doesn’t exist anymore, having been replaced by the classic American meth. Stay away from meth.
    Alaska
    MASCOT : A bear, eating you.
    MOTTO : “Canada’s hat.”
    MAIN ATTRACTIONS : Bears (eating you), wolves (eating you), nature (eating you).
    Alaska, at different times of the year, features both 24 hours of sunlight AND 24 hours of darkness (pick your hell!). There’s tundra (actual tundra!) swarming with man-eating monsters, plus cities (not actual cities!) swarming with batshit right-wing separatists. Men grow woolly beards to keep their faces warm, and moose outnumber women 3:1. You can see Russia from there. The state bird is a cruise ship filled with fat people.
    Hawaii
    MASCOT : A Hawaiian person laughing at everyone who doesn’t live in Hawaii.
    MOTTO : “WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU LIVE HERE!?”
    MAIN ATTRACTIONS : Hawaii (Hawaii).
    Hawaii is a bunch of laid-back, chilled-out volcanoes sticking out of the ocean, covered with beautiful sun-roasted people who just want to eat macaroni salad and have a good time, maaaaaaan. White people did horrible, violent things to Hawaii, but Hawaii still lets white people live there, because that’s just the kind of cooldude Hawaii is. Hawaii runs on “island time,” which means that all your shit is going to be fucking late. Because it’s island time! Cute! Island time! Oh, also people in Hawaii looooooove huffing glue (I saw a documentary about it). The only thing they love more than huffing glue is surfing. Good times. Island times.

3. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT SEX AND DATING
    BY BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT, PAUL CONSTANT, CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE, CIENNA MADRID, AND LINDY WEST
    How to Get With a Girl If You Are a Boy
    H ere’s the main thing: Don’t be creepy. Girls can smell your weird, insecure, predatory creepin’ from a mile away (hint: It smells like DiGiorno and Axe body spray!). Groom yourself, don’t try too hard, don’t use pick-up lines, don’t stare, and try tovisibly have fun. People (women are people!) like to be around people who are fun. Don’t be too aggressive, but don’t be too timid. Most importantly, talk to women like they are humans with interests and lives and things to say, not just