Diary of a Dieter Read Online Free Page B

“The woman looked like one of those bobble heads you put in your car. I didn’t know whether to shake her hand in case her whole body moved, and her head wobbled around like a boat in water. Besides, she was sleeping with her ex.”
    I nodded. “ That is true. She called that one. Though, I don’t remember her head being overly large.”
    “Okay, granted she was a cheater, but it wasn’t like I was going to marry her. Gabriella was perfectly nice, and you scared her away in one shopping trip!”
    Now I laughed. Ness, Dana, and I had invited Gabriella for lunch and shopping one afternoon. She and Adam had been dating for almost a month and as his best friend, I felt it was my duty to ‘assess’ her suitability. Especially after what had happened with Tina. Everything had gone wonderfully until … we hit the stores. Naturally, Ness dragged us to every designer boutique in London. Dana and I were used to this and had, so far, been shopping with her countless times without buying a thing. Gabriella, on the other hand, was a learner. She oohed and ahhed over every dress, pair of heels, designer bag, and hat that she saw. It was at this point Ness asked a crucial—in her opinion it was crucial—question. “So, Gabriella, what do you do for a living?”
    And then came the answer that would end her relationship with Adam forever. “I work for a bank. I chase credit card and loan debts. You know, missed payments, etc.” The horror on Vanessa’s face was unmistakeable. You see, little did Gabriella know, Vanessa owed at least five thousand pounds on her credit card, and her payments were sporadic. She disliked the girl immediately and spent the rest of the day ‘giving Gabriella her self-worth and confidence back.’ What this meant was, she spent four hours telling the women she could do better than Adam, who was a mere med student with thousands of pounds worth of debt to his name. Not exactly husband material, she told her. She even went as far as to wind up the poor woman’s biological clock! “You’re not getting any younger, are you? And you look like the type to have lots of kids and settle down.”
    It was a sad day for womankind and a worse one for Adam. Gabrielle promptly dumped him over dinner that evening. I spent the next three days trying to convince him not to kill Vanessa, and that he was, indeed, marriage material.
    “Okay, I may have had ulterior motives with that one, but I saved you a life of penny-pinching and purse-tightening. You’ll thank me in the long run.”
    Adam rolled his eyes at her. “Fine. Let’s say you’re right, but what about Hannah and Tracy?”
    I raised my hand to speak, but with a wave of her perfectly manicured hand, Ness silenced me.
    “I did that for you. Those two were bad news. Hannah was clearly after the money she thought you had, Mr. Doctor, and when she found out you had none she left. I simply pointed her in the right direction. And as for Tracy … I’m telling you, that was the biggest voice box I’ve ever seen. It was an Adams apple, and you know it. She had hands like Muhammad Ali! How you missed that, I have no idea.”
    Dana fell back on the bed, laughing, and I had to bite my lip to hide my own amusement.
    “Tracy was not a dude! I inspected every inch of that woman. She was just … bigger than most.”
    Ness snorted a laugh. “Ha! Maybe she was an amazon in a previous life. Either way … your gene pool and hers were never made for mixing. I can see it now—huge, manly girls with glasses and braces. It’s just cruel and Mother Nature wouldn’t thank you for it.”
    Adam scowled at her. “And what’s wrong with my teeth?”
    Finally able to control my laughter, I interjected. “Hey! Guys, enough. Adam, your teeth are fine. Ness, give it a rest. No matter what you two say, you love one another and would hate to see the other hurt, so kiss and make up so we can get back to what’s important here. Me and my Goddamn miserable ex and the wedding I