Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead Read Online Free

it’s strep?”
    “See what I mean? You always have to think the worst! It’s not strep. Let’s just send him to school, and if he doesn’t feel good he can go hang out with the nurse.”
    “I hate parents who do that and you know it. What is wrong with you?”
    “I’m a desperate man, that’s what. I’ve been reworking the numbers and I think I can prove we’ll have a decent cash f low for the next fiscal year, but you’re the better talker.”
    “You’ll do fine. Besides, it’s my day to drive.”
    “Let the kids take the bus for God’s sake. Why do you have to carpool every day?”
    “Stop! I’ve explained this a hundred times. It’s just easier, okay?”
    “How is it easier? You have to get up, get dressed, drive to the middle school, then come back and drive to Lakeside.”
    “It’s easier because the buses come so early, and the kids always have so much stuff to schlep with their instruments and sports gear, and then they call me from school anyway to tell me they forgot their lunch or the envelope with the field trip money.
    . . . Trust me, it’s a lot less stressful when we drive and make sure everyone has everything they need the first time.”
    “Fine. Whatever. I’m tired of arguing over this. Just call Beth and see if she’ll switch.”
    18
    Saralee Rosenberg
    “I can’t. As soon as she sees it’s me on the caller ID, she won’t answer.”
    “Then go on line and IM her.”
    “Can’t do that either. She blocked me.”
    “Why?”
    “Because it’s Tuesday and I have type-O blood! How the hell should I know?”
    “What if you create a new screen name? Then you can at least see if she’s online?”
    “Oh screw it. This is getting stupider by the second. I’ll just be brave and call her. ”
    “’Atta girl.”
    “I mean what’s the worst she can do? Report me to the National Association of Minivan Moms? ‘Mrs. Sherman, one more violation and we’re taking away your five-year jacket.’”
    When Artie laughed, his whole body erupted like a shaken can of Coke. It was one of the things she loved most. That and his capacity to eat anything she made without complaint, as long as it didn’t up and bite him first.
    “Oh. And out of curiosity,” she asked, “what happens if the bank turns us down again?”
    “No big deal,” he hugged her. “We’ll lose the store and probably the house.”
    “Fantastic!” she shrugged. “At least then you could stop feeling bad that we never got to buy a shed.”
    “Oh man,” Artie sighed. “I always wanted a shed. I wonder if they come in three-bedroom, two-bath . . .”
    Two
    Beth Diamond was the next-door neighbor from hell. Stunning to the point of distraction but with a chip on her shoulder bag.
    If she wasn’t complaining about your barking dog, she was accusing you of stealing her Saturday night sitter. And pray that this preachy, sancti-mommy didn’t hear you discussing plans for your child’s birthday party.
    “Please don’t feed the children cake and ice cream, then hand them goody bags filled with candy. Saying no makes it so difficult on caring mothers like myself.”
    But where this MILF1 stood her ground was with her tall, toned body. While most of the other moms were waging daily battles against gravity and Pepperidge Farm, Beth would roll out of bed, throw on those low-lying Juicy Couture pants, pull her hair into a ponytail, and still turn heads at Starbucks. So unfair to the girls who slaved away at the gym and resorted to the latest diet craze just to fit back into their jeans after indulging in fast food and vodka shots.
    1 mother I’d love to f---
    20
    Saralee Rosenberg
    “I’m on the Master Cleanse Diet, Mindy. It’s so easy.”
    “Oh, I heard. Pine-Sol for breakfast, Windex for lunch, and a small, sensible dinner.”
    “Ha, ha. No. It’s a ten-day fast. You just drink lemon juice, maple syrup, and water.”
    “Great. No need for an autopsy then. The cause of death will be stupidity.”
    When Mindy