did my Sunday church with Dad put me with God? I wasn’t sure yet. I hoped Dad followed me in spirit, since he wasn’t with me physically anymore. His stroke came out of nowhere that Sunday morning he went fishing alone, and I never forgave myself for missing our weekly expedition to see Josh. Here I stood, almost two years later, and I couldn’t even remember what Josh and I did that morning that was so much more important than spending time with my dad.
“Good morning, Dad. I made it out again. Every Sunday, right? I wouldn’t miss visiting with you for the world.” After about six straight months of visits, I graduated from laying on the ground, resting my head on the stone, to standing. When a year rolled around, I think the visits held less tears. Now with almost two years passed, I could make it through dry eyed. I guess that’s what closure is.
“Anyway, it’s been about eight months now since Josh and I split up.” I envisioned my dad putting his hand on my shoulder to comfort me, while giving me a thumbs up with the other. “I know you never liked him. I should have listened to you, but you know me. You raised quite a stubborn daughter, if you weren’t aware.”
My stubbornness worked for and against me in so many ways in my life. My simple refusal to give up usually meant I got what I wanted. When I demanded I own all the stuffed Care Bears and my parents said no, I nagged and nagged them until finally I had them all, from Sunshine to Grumpy. At sixteen when I wanted more than anything to see Vanilla Sky, but my parents thought the R rated movie contained too much adult matter for me, I convinced them to buy the ticket and let me go. And when I met Josh at nineteen, and we moved in together after three years, and my dad insisted he wasn’t right for me, I tried so hard to list all the reasons he was, including how much he loved me. Yep, bull-headed Ally made some great wins, but Josh, well, he went down in history as my epic fail.
“Like I tell you every time I’m here, Dad, you were right. Don’t hold it against me, though, okay? Harry takes care of me. He’s a good guy.” My dad didn’t have a clue when he was alive who Harry Styles was, but if One Direction made me happy, he’d approve. “Mom’s dating again, for awhile now. Perry doesn’t know. She wants it that way. Since we don’t see him much, it’s simple to keep from him.” I bit some skin by my pinkie. “I haven’t met anyone she’s gone out with, and I’m not sure I want to, but she insists you would be okay with it. Mom says you wouldn’t want her to be alone. I don’t know if that’s true. I mean, I can’t imagine her not being with you, but everyone needs someone.” I contemplated my love life. Just because you needed someone, didn’t mean you deserved anyone.
I noticed a man approaching a grave site near my dad’s. I loved talking with my dad, but I felt uncomfortable when strangers showed up. “Okay, Dad, I’ve gotta go. I’m going to try something called geocaching. You probably would have loved it.” I knelt down and kissed the cold stone. “I love you, Daddy. See you next Sunday.”
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My tiny Chevy Cobalt got me around town. I didn’t drive much out of town anyway, so I rarely needed to fill up on gas, and so far I didn’t experience many issues. Used, only one previous owner, and I only got my brakes fixed a little over a year ago, and some belt replaced in the last couple months. Other than that, she ran okay. My small car and equally little duplex apartment spoke of my thriftiness. My dad taught me the importance of being economical, so I tried hard to maintain such a lifestyle.
I kept the app open and my phone plugged into my charger so I didn’t drain the battery. When I arrived, I’d figure out how to maneuver around. I tried playing with the features the night before, but unless actively geocaching, nothing made much sense. I turned down the street, and slowed as I struggled to