What Does Blue Feel Like? Read Online Free

have not spoken.

Natural medicine
    Jim avoids her eyes.
    There is something uncanny about their bleakness.
    Without a word he takes her hair in his hands.
    Clumsily, he begins to plait,
    putting something back in order, trying to find Char in
    there somewhere.
    When he has finished he sneaks a
    glance into her eyes.
    They are brimming with tears, and even as he watches,
    they overflow.
    And, still without words,
    she is in his arms.
    He breathes in the familiar scent of her hair
    and she is touched
    by this small gesture.
    Wordlessly, she thanks him
    and he feels her salty tears
    soaking into his shirt, her breath upon his face,
    and her hands, warm, upon his skin.

Changes
    Char agrees to go with Jim
    to a party
    at a friend of a friend’s.
    She
    dresses
    brushes her hair
    puts on make-up and perfume.
    Transformed,
    she emerges from her room.
    Her parents,
    amazed,
    can only watch as she walks out the door.

Party Games – Chinese Whispers (ya know?)
    >I just saw Char, ya know? She was with Jim
    >>I heard she was crazy, ya know? I heard she tried to jump off the roof
    >>>Hey, Pete, did ya know that Char and Jim are here? I heard she’s pregnant
    >>>>Hey, Tom, Pete reckons Char’s ...ya know. Pretty damn thin for someone who’s ...ya know
    >>>>> Lucy, did ya know if Char’s ...ya know, anorexic?
    >>>>>> Hey, Sam, do ya know what the deal is with Char?
    >>>>>>> Over in a corner, where Char and Jim are drinking and partly mingling, Jim watches the light in the room bounce off Char’s earrings. He notices the red of her lip gloss and the smoothness of her skin. Feeling a sudden overwhelming need to protect her, he clasps her hands with his and asks, ‘How are you feeling?’ She replies, ‘I don’t know —
    >>>>>>>> do ya?’

If I could
    bottle
    this feeling inside
    I would sell it
    and I would be rich,
    really rich
    because people drink, and take drugs, and do all other
    sorts of shit
    to feel this
    numb.
    It’s like the cold you feel in the middle of winter
    when your fingers and toes have turned to ice.
    You can pinch them, and twist them around
    and normally they’d hurt
    but they’re just numb.
    It’s like that but you aren’t cold.
    Just numb.
    And you can’t say how you feel when people ask
    because you don’t feel.

Happy drunk
    A few drinks later,
    and she is laughing.
    It is a Kahlua-vodka-Baccardi-bourbon laugh,
    a ‘take me drunk, I’m home’ laugh,
    an ‘everything is so pretty when I’m drunk’ laugh.
    She is a happy drunk,
    a spin-around-in-circles-and-giggle drunk,
    and she is laughing
    and the feeling is somewhat familiar,
    like seeing an old friend again after years have passed,
    or an old pair of jeans you can’t bear to throw away,
    you can just slip back into them,
    and the familiarity is so comforting.
Dreaming
    When he wakes, Jim is pretty sure he’s dreaming.
    Char is nestled in his arms
    in the exact way she always used to.
    He can rest his face in her hair, and breathe in
    the scent of it
    in the exact way he always used to.
    She stirs in his arms, and wakes, smiling at him —
    in the exact way she sometimes did.
    Â 
    But he isn’t dreaming, because he kisses her cheek.
    Exactly how he always does.

Just like old times
    They sit on the back veranda with their coffees.
    Squinting against the sunlight.
    Nursing headaches.
    It is so familiar.
    Â 
    When she goes home,
    in the afternoon sun
    and sits,
    alone
    in her room
    the numbness returns
    with startling clarity.
    And feels almost like she should be hurting
    but isn’t
    and yet ...

Wounded
    Sometimes
    when you cry
    the tears flow, gently, caressingly down your face.
    Like making yourself cry so you get out of trouble with
    your parents.
    Other times,
    when you cry a little harder
    they course rough zigzag tracks as you gulp and snuffle,
    sometimes even hiccup.
    And then there are the rare times
    when something inside you