The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West Read Online Free Page B

Em?”
    Do-do-do-do-do-do-do- 
    “Dora-theeeee!”
    “Aunty Em!”
    Dorothy ran across the ring and leaped into her auntie’s arms. They hugged each other and the crowd roared.
    “I love you, Dorothy.”
    Dorothy smiled. “I love you too, Aunty Em.” She looked out at the crowd and raised her fist in triumph, thus ending the first part of her journey from unknown heavyweight boxer to heavyweight champion of the world.
     
     
     
    THE END

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THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST
RIDES AGAIN

CHAPTER ONE
     
    T he Wicked Witch of the West stood in front of the Great and Powerful Ozzie Was Born with the Head of a Bat in His Mouth. Smoke billowed into the air around him. “What … do you want?” he said in a loud voice that echoed around the Aunt Esmeralda City.
    The Wicked Witch bowed to the Great man. “I want the chance to redeem myself,” she said, “O Great and Powerful Ozzie Was Born with the Head of a Bat in His Mouth.”
    More smoke billowed into the air.
    “Rise, Wicked Witch,” the Great and Powerful Ozzie said. The Wicked Witch rose. The Great and Powerful Ozzie continued, “I will give you your chance. But first you must answer these questions three.”
    The Wicked Witch turned her ear to the Great and Powerful Ozzie. “Go on.”
    “Question one. What … is your favorite color?”
    “Green.”
    “Correct.”
    The Wicked Witch smiled.
    “What … is your quest?”
    “To redeem myself in the eyes of my father and my Holy God there goes the bat you bit the head off.” The Wicked Witch ducked and the bat whose head the Great and Powerful Ozzie bit off flew out the window and into the hands of the Great and Powerful Babe Ruth from the Book of Ruth of the Hebrew Bible who swung it and - DONK - sent the ball flying over the fence for a home “Run Forrest Run” all the way to the World Series that the Yankees won four games to three before being disqualified for fielding an unregistered pray-er not play-er. Phew and Holeee Shit.
    “ What … is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow ?”
    A man came running onto the set. He was yelling and waving a handful of papers in the air. “Stop the damn movie right there. Stop it, I say.”
    The Wicked Witch and the Great and Powerful Ozzie turned to the man. “What the fuck is it?” the Great and Powerful Ozzie asked.
    “I represent the estate of the Sixty Foot Python and It’s Flying Sir Custard Tart and you , Sir, are violating Law 487 Dash D Part C Plus 324 Equals MCHammer, and I demand you cease and desist the making of this movie right now.”
    The Wicked Witch and the Great and Powerful Ozzie looked at each other. “What do you think?” the Wicked Witch asked. The Great and Powerful Ozzie replied, “My dear, prove to me your green is more blue than yellow.”
    The Wicked Witch smiled then turned to the man. She pointed a bony green finger at him and twirled it around. As she twirled it she said, “Abracadabra Abracadee Give me your -”
    KA-BOOM!!!
    The smoke cleared and there in all his glory stood the man himself.
    “Oh for fuck’s sake.” The Wicked Witch turned to the Great and Powerful Ozzie. “Do you know anything about this?”
    The Hulkstereo 104.3FM flexed his muscles. “What you gonna do, Wicked Witch, when Hulkstereo-madness runs wild on you ?”
    The Wicked Witch turned back to the Hulkstereo 104.3FM. She eyed his rock solid body that glistened like a diamond in the sun. “You wanna play do you, Hulkstereo?” She moved slowly to the left then jumped to the right. She put her hands on her hips, and if she’d seen how goddam ugly she was she’d get a great big fri-i-i-i-ght. She conjured a ball of fire in the palm of her hand and threw it at the ground. A huge plume of thick, black smoke rose from the ground, and Bret “The Hit Ma Noggin against Yours and Drop You like a Sack of Potatoes” Heart stepped out of it. The crowd went wild. Half of it cheered The Hit Ma Noggin against Yours and Drop You like a