The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West Read Online Free Page A

foot. “Whoa, momma. Don’t be cruel. And stay off my blue suede shoes. Shee-it.” He switched on the radio and they got a blast of rock and roll. Oh, yeah.
    The Cadillac roared down the highway. Oz, here they come.
     
     
    CHAPTER SEVEN
     
    T he Cadillac tore across the hills surrounding Munchkinland. Up and down it went. The Wicked Witch bumped her head on the roof. She rubbed it better then slapped Elvis across the face. “Would you slow the fuck down a little?”
    Elvis slammed his foot on the brake and the car came to a screeching halt. He turned to the Wicked Witch. “You know what, ma’am? A little less conversation and a little less action would go a hell of a long way right now.”
    The Wicked Witch climbed out of the car and slammed the door. “Eh, go eat another fried peanut butter and banana sandwich, ya bloated oaf.” She turned and started for the little village where she would find more munchkins to kill and hopefully Dorothy too.
    Elvis called out to her. “You’re dreaming the impossible dream, momma. You’re gonna end up in the ghetto, that’s for Goddam sure.”
    The Wicked Witch turned to him and gave him the finger. “Up yours, you Kentucky fried fuck.” She turned away and continued her march toward the munchkins. She pulled the automatic rifle out from underneath her dress and slung it over her shoulder. She was going to get her some munchkins and make a munchkin pie, followed by a slice of Dorothy Gale for desert.
    It turns out t he Wicked Witch was indeed wicked, but she wanted to share her glory with those who had served her well, so she put two fingers in her mouth and blew. The whistling sound carried high upon the wind to her castle. The winged monkeys heard the call and took flight for Munchkinland. They flew over the hill and landed as one behind the Wicked Witch. With a broad smile, she marched on, followed closely by several hundred monkeys that were followed closely by several hundred drug-testers, each of them trying to get a urine sample from the monkeys to prove true or not the rumour they had been taking illegal drugs. After all, how the fuck else does a monkey grow wings? For that matter, how the fuck does an elderly woman with green skin manage to not die at a much earlier age? And if two by two and two plus two both equal four, why can’t the same be said for three by three and three plus three?
    Son of a BANG! Son of a BOOM!
    The munchkins ran for their lives. So did Dorothy. She dived behind the house and pulled out the bazooka from underneath it. Dear God, please let the training Glinda gave me serve me well . She came out to the front of the house and aimed the bazooka at the Wicked Witch.
    “Oh, you are fucking kidding,” the Wicked Witch said. She wet herself and the urine ran down her leg. She turned and ran. So did the monkeys and the drug testers.
    Dorothy pulled the trigger and the rocket flew past the Wicked Witch. It raced through the air and entered the Wicked Witch’s castle through a second floor window. The Wicked Witch could only watch as the rocket exploded and the castle went up in flames.
    Dorothy loaded another rocket into the bazooka and aimed it again at the Wicked Witch. She pulled the trigger again and the rocket went zooming through the air. It struck the Wicked Witch and she fell to the ground clutching her chest.
    “I’m bleeding,” the Wicked Witch cried. “I’m bleeeee-ding.” She started to melt then disappeared into a pool of blood. What a world indeed.
    “She’s dead,” one of the winged monkeys said. It looked at Dorothy. “You killed her.”
    “I didn’t mean to,” Dorothy said, stepping back from the monkey. “It was an accident.”
    Much to Dorothy’s surprise, the winged monkeys cheered and clapped her for killing the Wicked Witch. Dorothy smiled. She punched the air in jubilation. “YES!”
    The theme song from Rocky began to play. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-
    “Dora-theeeee!”
    “Aunty