The Ten Best Days of My Life Read Online Free Page A

eyes, he said, “I did that for a week straight when I got up here. It killed me . . . well, it would have if the stroke hadn’t gotten me first!”
    Incredible!
    â€œSame with your hair,” my grandmother said. “Oh, this is the greatest thing. Go now, dunk your head in some water and see what happens.”
    So I did, and where? Oh yes, you’re not going to believe this: I dunked my head in my luxury spa bathtub with nine (yes nine!) jets streaming out the softest, warmest water you could imagine. Or I could have just gone for the marble shower with the rainforest showerhead and nine (again, yes, nine!) jets in the shower. I’m going to use the sauna later.
    Unbelievable! You dunk your head in the water and when you come up out of the water, your hair is dry, professionally blow-dried, like Sally Hershberger was here giving me a blow out. I had to try that a few more times.
    Okay, now I must tell you the best and most incredible part about being in heaven. Oh my god, I have to sit down because you’re not going to believe it. I can’t even believe it myself. Obviously, it’s not better than seeing my grandparents again or my uncle Morris, but it is wilder than any dream I could have ever imagined when thinking about what heaven could possibly be like. You might not agree with me, your heaven might be a lot different from my heaven. In my grandfather’s version of heaven, he’s got the Philadelphia Phillies playing games 24- 7. My grandmother has her old lemon Cadillac Coupe deVille and her hair is a foot high on top of her head. My uncle Morris has Cuban cigars. Me? Oh, if this isn’t heaven, I just don’t know what is.
    Okay, ready?
    ONE OF MY BEDROOMS IS A CLOSET! Not just any closet, my dream closet! Marc Jacobs, Valentino, Oscar de la Renta, anything you can think of: it’s here! Theory and Diane von Furstenberg, Ella Moss, Rebecca Taylor, Rogan and Vince and Moschino Cheap and Chic line my closet. Chip & Pepper, Citizens of Humanity, James, Joe’s, and True Religion jeans, and they all fit perfectly!
    Let me take a breath before I tell you about the shoes.
    Are you sitting down? Okay.
    Christian Louboutin, Yves Saint Laurent, Chloé, Manolo, Antik Batik, Robert Clergerie, all in my size and none of them pinch! I know because I immediately started slipping them on.
    And the bags! Marc Jacobs, Mulberry, ohhhh, Lanvin, the Louis Vuitton signature bucket bag, Henry Cuir—hello, my darling!
    All of it is contained in a bedroom turned into a closet. Mirrored doors house everything, and if you’ll excuse me, I see the red duchesse satin Vera Wang that Oprah wore to her Legends Ball and I have to try it on.
    Okay, now I’ve really died and gone to heaven.
    I just took off my clothes to try on Oprah’s dress and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. What the . . . ?
    â€œGrandmom? Where’s my cellulite and my boob stretch marks? Where’s my extra ten pounds?”
    â€œOh, for the last time!” my grandmother howls at me, “It’s heaven! There’s no cellulite or boob stretch marks or acne or pimples or oily skin or dry cracked hands or calluses or bunions or moles or anything! You’re dead, a spirit!”
    That’s when I passed out for a few seconds.
    When I came to, she was standing over me.
    â€œIs now a good time to tell you that you can eat whatever you want and never gain weight?”
    Yes, it was. That’s when I went down to my Sub-Zero refrigerator and proceeded to eat the entire contents. The chocolate mud cake was particularly good. Graeter’s ice cream from Ohio, water ice and Pat’s cheesesteaks from Philadelphia, bagels and pizza from John’s in New York, Chinese chicken salad from Chin Chin in Los Angeles, french fries from McDonald’s!
    After I finished my snacks, we walked out onto my patio with the stunning black-and-white awning, the edges blowing in the perfect