The Road to Wellville Read Online Free

Kellogg had lured away from the Pasteur Institute in Paris, leading his ward for the evening up the aisle. This was an ancient, foul-smelling and fouler-tempered chimpanzee by the name of Lillian, an animal the Doctor had acquired from a circus some years earlier and kept around the San for just such a moment as this. When the audience caught sight of Lillian, who was usually confined to a cage in one of the back laboratories, there was a universal cry of approbation. Several of them actually got to their feet for a better look, and a pair of matrons in oneof the middle rows clapped their hands like schoolgirls. The Doctor focused on one man in particular (Jennings, Bigelow; chronic flatulence, partial loss of hearing), who was laughing so hard his eyes were damp and his face seemed swollen to twice its size. Amidst the pandemonium, Dr. Kellogg took Lillian’s leash from Dr. Distaso and led her up onto the stage, where, knowing her routine as well as Frank Linniman knew his, she clambered atop a stool in the far corner and gave the Doctor her undivided attention. Raising his hands high above his head, Dr. Kellogg called for quiet.
    It took them even longer to settle down this time, but when they’d quieted somewhat, the Doctor raised his voice and gave a quick little speech about the evils of meat and how contrary to man’s nature it was to consume it. “By way of illustration,” he said, “I am going to give our simian cousin here—Lillian, that is, and she certainly doesn’t resemble anyone on my side of the family”—a pause for laughter—”I’m going to give her a choice between Mr. Post’s finest beefsteak and the contents of this bag,” and he drew a brown paper bag out from behind the podium. “Let’s see which she prefers.”
    The Doctor backed away from the podium and slipped on a pair of gloves that had been laid out for him on the table. He then hefted the dripping slab of meat, held it out briefly for all to see, and casually tossed it to Lillian. The chimp was adept. She snatched it from the air in a spidery hand and brought it to her nose, uttering a low coughing sound and folding her lips back over her teeth. The audience stirred, poked one another, hummed with laughter. Perplexed, Lillian touched the tip of her tongue to the surface of the meat, made a face of gargoylelike disdain, and then suddenly, and rather violently, flung the thing back at the Doctor, who caught it neatly. Setting the steak down, he extracted a banana from the bag. With a cry of “Voilà!” he threw it to the chimp, who immediately peeled and ate it. “
Hoo-hoo
,” she murmured, turning her chocolate eyes on him with a look of pure and abiding love.
    Dr. Kellogg tossed her another, and all at once the audience was on its feet, cheering, whistling, faces animated; ills, aches, twinges and conniptions all but forgotten. The applause was thunderous. Dr. Kellogg bowed deeply, and as Lillian greedily plunged the second banana intothe rictus of her mouth and his patients cheered mightily, he waved his way out the door and into the hallway, floating on the exhilaration of the moment.

    Outside, amongst the potted palms and bathed in the gentle glow of the electric lamps, stood his secretary, Poultney Dab. Dab had been waiting patiently, a sheaf of papers clutched awkwardly in one hand, a briefcase in the other.
    “Hear them, Poult? We taught them a thing or two tonight they won’t soon forget, eh?” The doctor was already hurrying up the hall with his short brisk strides, throwing the words back over his shoulder at Dab’s large and anxious face. “See that Lillian gets an extra ration tonight and that the new man, what’s his name, Murphy? changes her litter—he’s been remiss about that—and I’ll need a second copy of the trustees’ report, as I think I told you, and oh, yes, there’s been a complaint of cooking odors on the fifth floor—Mrs. Crouder’s room, five-nineteen, I believe—and I want you to have