thick, black leather headband, like a girl whose mother did her hair for picture day. Only sexy. The others follow suit, sticking out their hands toward me.
We are back in chemistry class, although Mrs. McClain is out indefinitely, because her nerves are frayed , and weâre also in a new classroom, a meeting room in the library, formerly used for school board meetings. Crammed around a tiny, rectangular metal table, I feel like a sardine. And it isnât helping that Dizzy and her brood of followers are crowded around me, fighting to introduce themselves. It seems that being the girl from the cupboard has made me a kind of celebrity.
âLet me introduce you,â Dizzy says, slapping her hand against the table. The substitute teacher is wandering around the room, trying to find a dry-erase marker. Nobody is paying any attention to her pleas for help. âThis is Brooklyn Bass.â I look at the tiny little girl called Brooklyn. She is one of those pinch-faced girls who probably irons her socks and alphabetizes her panties by color. âBrooklyn,â Dizzy tells me, âis the star pitcher on the girlsâ softball team. And,â she adds proudly, âsheâs a professional pageant girl.â
âOh,â I say to Brooklyn.
âIâm Miss Calf Fry,â Brooklyn reports.
I obviously look confused.
âCalf fry is an Oklahoma delicacy: deep-fried bull testicles,â Dizzy explains.
âOh, how nice,â I say, making a face.
I try not stare at Brooklynâs sparkling tiara, but I obviously fail, because she reaches up to her head and says, âItâs just for show,â in case I was under the impression that she was the reigning queen of the library.
âShhhh!â the substitute teacher says, trying to get us all to shut up. Dizzy just talks louder. âAnd this is Lexus Flores.â Lexus waves and scoots her skinny butt into the tiny space next to me in my chair. âHey, girl,â she says.
âWeâve met,â I say, thinking about that first day of school.
âLexus has a golden retriever, loves the color purple, and just got a brand-new car for her birthdayâa Lexus, of course!â
âHow wonderful for you,â I say without meaning it. It seems clear that Dizzy is going to continue with this party chatter until sheâs properly introduced each girl at the table. I count five more besides Brooklyn, Lexus, and the current girl she is introducing, a ditzy, giggling thing named Cuteny.
âYou know, I really have some things to do,â I say suddenly, interrupting Cutenyâs introduction. âIt was nice to meet all of you,â I lie. I scoot my chair back, grab my coat and my backpackâwe still donât have lockers until the new paint driesâand walk toward the door. The sub doesnât even notice. The girls watch me leave.
How can these girls act like what happened that day was no big deal? Sure, everybody is talking about it, but itâs like something that happened to other people, not to us. Nobody says his name. Heâs just the shooter or that psycho , or sometimes, just him . That part is fine with me, because I donât think he deserves a name. But I canât just forget about what happened. How is it that they can?
A safe distance outside the classroom, I flop into a chair between two racks of paperbacks. Surprisingly, it doesnât take long before I feel myself drifting off, sleep coming faster than it has in days, a welcome relief. Curled up with my red raincoat as a blanket and my backpack as a pillow, I kick my plaid Rocket Dog shoes to the floor and use the small table in front of me as a footstool. The chair is old and squishy, broken in by hundreds of lazy students before meâa chair meant for napping. But the library itself feels like whoever designed it wanted to ward off any restful thoughts or happiness. Everything is grayâincluding the librarianâs