The Modern Fae's Guide to Surviving Humanity Read Online Free Page A

because I love you.”
    â€œToo late?” asked Dan. “Too late for what?”
    Nimh didn’t answer. She just looked past him, the expression slowly draining from her face. It almost wasn’t a surprise when the hand clamped down on his shoulder from behind, a hand easily twice the size of his, with fingers that tightened until they hurt.
    â€œNimue?” rumbled a voice, in something that sounded less like simple speech than it did the movement of rocks deep beneath a mountain. “What is the meaning of this?”
    â€œHello, Daddy,” sighed Nimh. “I’d like you to meet my boyfriend.”
    Dan didn’t remember leaving the green meadow with the impossible flowers. He didn’t remember Nimh changing her hair from purple back to its more customary black. And he certainly didn’t remember the face of the man behind that massive hand. But most of all, he didn’tremember being tied to a chair. He tugged experimentally on the rope that held him down ($14.99, home and garden). The knots held.
    Nimh stood in front of him, wringing her hands anxiously. Her eyes were still violet. He seized on that hope. If her eyes were still violet, maybe he wasn’t really tied to a chair. Maybe this was just a really, really weird dream.
    â€œYour mortal man awakens,” rumbled a deep voice from behind him.
    The hope died. No matter how weird his dreams got, they never made him want to piss himself.
    â€œYes, Daddy,” said Nimh. That odd accent of hers was stronger now. Dan couldn’t believe he’d ever believed her when she said she was Canadian. Leaning closer, she dropped her voice, and whispered, “Dan, please. I need you to be respectful. Please.”
    â€œOr what? You’ll kill me?”
    â€œNo.” Sorrow filled her eyes. “We’ll promote you.”
    Dan was still trying to come up with a reply when the man stepped out from behind him and moved to stand next to Nimh. Then he simply blinked. “Mr. Ronald, the district manager, is your father?”
    â€œYou may address me as His Highness Oberon, King of Tirn an Og, ruler of the Lands of the Forever Young,” said the man in an imperious tone. He looked somehow wrong in his three-piece suit, too large and roughly-made, like he would have been more at home on a battlefield, bashing his fellow men—or fellow fairies—with large wooden clubs. “You have trespassed upon my domain. For that, the punishments are known.”
    â€œUm, not by me, they’re not,” said Dan. “I didn’t even know you had a domain here.” He paused, his braincatching up with his mouth. “Wait—did you say ‘Oberon’? As in the—”
    â€œDid not my daughter expel you from our hallowed halls? You were given leave to go. You returned.”
    â€œYour daughter.” Dan’s attention swung to the increasingly miserable-looking Nimh. “He called you ‘Nimue.’ ”
    â€œI told you it was an old family name,” she said.
    â€œYou didn’t tell me it was because you were the Lady of the Lake.”
    â€œYou never asked!”
    Oberon scowled at the pair of them. “If you would be so kind as to shut up so I can commence the punishment, I would very much appreciate it.”
    â€œBut Daddy, I love him!” Nimh wailed.
    â€œI fail to see where that’s my problem.”
    â€œI think this punishment thing is about to be my problem, so I’m OK with delaying it,” said Dan. “Excuse me for being a little slow here, but what’s going on? And where’s my price gun?”
    â€œInsolent mortal! That price gun is store property!”
    â€œOh my God, I’ve discovered Fairyland, and it’s full of crazy people,” said Dan. “Seriously? This is really happening? You’re really real? You’re really … what the hell is the King of Fairies doing running