The Happiness Trap Read Online Free Page B
that there is something wrong with my life.
13b. Negative thoughts and feelings are an inevitable part of life for everyone.
14a. I have to feel good before I can do something that’s important and challenging.
14b. I can do something that’s important and challenging even if I’m feeling anxious or depressed.
15a. I try to suppress thoughts and feelings that I don’t like by just not thinking about them.
15b. I don’t try to suppress thoughts and feelings that I don’t like. I just let them come and go of their own accord.
To score your test, count the number of times you selected option ‘a’ or ‘b’. (Please keep a record of your score. At the end of this book, I’ll ask you to come back and do this test again.)
The more times you selected option ‘a’, the greater the likelihood that control issues are creating significant suffering in your life. How so? Well, that’s the subject of the next chapter.
Chapter 2
VICIOUS CYCLES
Michelle has tears streaming down her eyes. ‘What’s wrong with me?’ she asks. ‘I have a great husband, great kids, a great job. I’m fit; I’m healthy. We have a lovely house. We’re well off. We live in a beautiful area. So why aren’t I happy?’
It’s a good question. Michelle seems to have everything she wants in life, so what’s going wrong? We’ll come back to Michelle later in this chapter, but for now let’s take a look at what’s happening in your life.
What’s Your Problem?
Presumably, if you’re reading this book, there’s room for your life to work better than it does. Maybe your relationship is in trouble, or you’re lonely or heart broken. Maybe you hate your job, or maybe you’ve lost it. Maybe your health is deteriorating. Maybe someone you love has died, or rejected you, or moved far away. Maybe you’re having a midlife crisis. Maybe you have low self-esteem or no self-confidence or feelings of inadequacy. Maybe you have drug or alcohol problems or other addictions. It could be financial or legal difficulties, or that you just feel stuck and don’t know what you want. Maybe you’re suffering from depression or anxiety, or you could just be bored with life or feel that it lacks any meaning.
Whatever the problem is, it undoubtedly gives rise to unpleasant thoughts and feelings—and you’ve probably spent a lot of time and effort trying to escape them or blot them out. But suppose those attempts to get rid of your bad thoughts and feelings are actually lowering the quality of your life? In ACT we have a saying for this: ‘The solution is the problem!’
How Does A Solution Become A Problem?
What do you do when you have an itch? You scratch it, right? And usually this works so well you don’t even think about it: scratch the itch and it goes away. Problem solved. But suppose one day you develop a patch of eczema (a common skin condition). The skin is very itchy, so naturally you scratch it. However, the skin cells in this region are already inflamed and therefore highly sensitive, and when you scratch them, they release chemicals called histamines, which are highly irritating. And these histamines inflame the skin even further. So after a little while the itch returns—with a greater intensity than before. And, of course, if you scratch it again, it gets even worse! The more you scratch, the worse the eczema and the bigger the itch.
Scratching is a good solution for a fleeting itch in normal, healthy skin. But for a persistent itch in abnormal skin, scratching is harmful: the ‘solution’ becomes part of the problem. This is commonly known as a ‘vicious cycle’. And in the world of human emotions, vicious cycles are common. Here are a few examples:
• Joseph fears rejection, so he feels overly anxious in social situations. He doesn’t want those feelings of anxiety, so he avoids socialising whenever possible. He doesn’t accept invitations to parties. He doesn’t pursue friendships. He lives alone and stays home every
13b. Negative thoughts and feelings are an inevitable part of life for everyone.
14a. I have to feel good before I can do something that’s important and challenging.
14b. I can do something that’s important and challenging even if I’m feeling anxious or depressed.
15a. I try to suppress thoughts and feelings that I don’t like by just not thinking about them.
15b. I don’t try to suppress thoughts and feelings that I don’t like. I just let them come and go of their own accord.
To score your test, count the number of times you selected option ‘a’ or ‘b’. (Please keep a record of your score. At the end of this book, I’ll ask you to come back and do this test again.)
The more times you selected option ‘a’, the greater the likelihood that control issues are creating significant suffering in your life. How so? Well, that’s the subject of the next chapter.
Chapter 2
VICIOUS CYCLES
Michelle has tears streaming down her eyes. ‘What’s wrong with me?’ she asks. ‘I have a great husband, great kids, a great job. I’m fit; I’m healthy. We have a lovely house. We’re well off. We live in a beautiful area. So why aren’t I happy?’
It’s a good question. Michelle seems to have everything she wants in life, so what’s going wrong? We’ll come back to Michelle later in this chapter, but for now let’s take a look at what’s happening in your life.
What’s Your Problem?
Presumably, if you’re reading this book, there’s room for your life to work better than it does. Maybe your relationship is in trouble, or you’re lonely or heart broken. Maybe you hate your job, or maybe you’ve lost it. Maybe your health is deteriorating. Maybe someone you love has died, or rejected you, or moved far away. Maybe you’re having a midlife crisis. Maybe you have low self-esteem or no self-confidence or feelings of inadequacy. Maybe you have drug or alcohol problems or other addictions. It could be financial or legal difficulties, or that you just feel stuck and don’t know what you want. Maybe you’re suffering from depression or anxiety, or you could just be bored with life or feel that it lacks any meaning.
Whatever the problem is, it undoubtedly gives rise to unpleasant thoughts and feelings—and you’ve probably spent a lot of time and effort trying to escape them or blot them out. But suppose those attempts to get rid of your bad thoughts and feelings are actually lowering the quality of your life? In ACT we have a saying for this: ‘The solution is the problem!’
How Does A Solution Become A Problem?
What do you do when you have an itch? You scratch it, right? And usually this works so well you don’t even think about it: scratch the itch and it goes away. Problem solved. But suppose one day you develop a patch of eczema (a common skin condition). The skin is very itchy, so naturally you scratch it. However, the skin cells in this region are already inflamed and therefore highly sensitive, and when you scratch them, they release chemicals called histamines, which are highly irritating. And these histamines inflame the skin even further. So after a little while the itch returns—with a greater intensity than before. And, of course, if you scratch it again, it gets even worse! The more you scratch, the worse the eczema and the bigger the itch.
Scratching is a good solution for a fleeting itch in normal, healthy skin. But for a persistent itch in abnormal skin, scratching is harmful: the ‘solution’ becomes part of the problem. This is commonly known as a ‘vicious cycle’. And in the world of human emotions, vicious cycles are common. Here are a few examples:
• Joseph fears rejection, so he feels overly anxious in social situations. He doesn’t want those feelings of anxiety, so he avoids socialising whenever possible. He doesn’t accept invitations to parties. He doesn’t pursue friendships. He lives alone and stays home every
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