The Dance of Reality: A Psychomagical Autobiography Read Online Free

be tough. “Men do not cry, and by their will they conquer pain . . .”
     
    The first exercises were not difficult. He began by tickling my feet with a vulture’s feather. “You have to be able to not laugh!” I managed to withstand tickling not only on the soles of my feet, but also on my armpits and, in a total triumph, to remain serious when he stuck a feather in my nostrils. Laughter thus subjugated, my father said to me, “Very good . . . I’m beginning to be proud of you. Mind you, I said ‘beginning to be,’ not that I am proud yet! To win my admiration, you must show that you are not a coward and that you know how to resist pain and humiliation. Now, I’m going to hit you. Turn your cheek toward me. I’ll start by hitting you very gently. You tell me to hit harder. I’ll do that, more and more, as much as you ask me. I want to see how far you get.”
     
    I was thirsty for love. In order to gain Jaime’s approval, I asked him to hit me harder and harder each time. As his eyes shone with what I took for admiration, my spirit became more and more inebriated. My father’s affection was more important to me than pain. I held out. Finally, I spat out blood and a piece of a tooth. Jaime uttered an exclamation of admiring surprise, took me in his muscular arms, and led me, running, to the dentist.
     
    The nerve of my premolar, coming in contact with saliva and air, was causing me atrocious suffering. Don Julio, the local dentist, prepared a calming injection. Jaime whispered in my ear (I had never heard him speak in such a delicate manner), “You have carried yourself like I do; you are brave, you are a man. You don’t have to do what I’m going to ask, but if you do it, I will consider you worthy of being my son. Refuse the injection. Let your tooth be fixed without anesthesia. Conquer pain with your will. You can do it, you are like me!”
     
    Never again in my life have I felt such terrible pain. (On second thought, I have—when the shaman Pachita removed a tumor from my liver with a hunting knife.) Don Julio, persuaded by my father’s promise of a gift of half a dozen bottles of pisco, did not speak a word. He scraped around, used his little torture device, applied a mercury-based amalgam, and finally put a cap on the gap in my mouth. Grinning like a chimpanzee, he exclaimed, “Brilliant, young fellow, you are a hero!” Oh, what a catastrophe: I, who had endured this torture without a murmur, without budging, without shedding a tear, now interrupted the triumphant gesture of my father, who was spreading his arms out like the wings of a condor—and fainted! Yes, I fainted, just like a little girl!
     
    Jaime, without so much as offering me a hand, led me back home. Humiliated, with swollen cheeks, I shut myself in my room and slept for twenty hours straight.
     
    I do not know whether my father realized I had wanted to commit suicide when I threw myself out of the window. Nor do I know whether he realized that by “accidentally” falling on my knees in front of the Cedar of Lebanon (we lived on the second floor, just above) I had been begging the Turk’s forgiveness. All he said was, “You fell, you idiot. This is what comes of always having your nose in a book.” It is true. I was always absorbed by books, and with such concentration that when I was reading and someone spoke to me, I did not hear a word. Jaime, for his part, would bury himself in his stamp collection as soon as he got home, as deaf as I was with my books. He would soak the envelopes his clients gave him in lukewarm water, carefully remove the stamps with a pair of tweezers—if so much as a tooth was lost from the edge, the value would be reduced—dry them between sheets of blotting paper, then classify them and keep them in albums that nobody was allowed to open.
     
    Two large, almost circular scabs formed on my knees; my father applied cotton wool soaked in hot water, and when they softened he peeled them away in one