The Chickens of Atlantis and Other Foul and Filthy Fiends Read Online Free

is said tohave risen from a humble background in the East End, and seeks to rule this world and all the others that roll about our sun.’
    ‘A man of great ambition,’ I said, snuggling down in my Ulster coat and searching out my mittens. ‘A worthy adversary for your good self. You being the uncrowned King of Detectives, as it were.’
    Mr Bell peered at me through his gold-framed pince-nez. ‘Are you,’ he asked of me, and here he employed suitable cockney patois in the form of rhyming slang, ‘having a gi-raffe at my expense?’
    ‘Heaven forfend,’ said I, a-putting on my mittens. ‘Here I am, rattling along in this uncomfortable conveyance, in bitter cold at an ungodly hour and all but freezing off those parts that will escape mention lest I be accused of toilet talk, bound for the British Museum. There to foil the evil intention of the Pearly Emperor, a monomaniac intent on world domination and—’
    But here I paused as I could, even in the limited light available, observe the reddening of my friend's cheeks and the infuriated expression he now wore. I felt it would probably be best to keep my own counsel.
    I did, however, make the observation that to my limited knowledge there had never been a single crime of any significance committed at the British Museum that had not gone unsolved.
    My good friend's face had now become purple, and when next he spoke it was as one possessed. ‘A crime did occur,’ he cried into my little ear. ‘A crime covered up by the authorities – no doubt in the pay of this monster made flesh .’ (I mouthed the words monster made flesh .) ‘This vile creature's minions have committed numerous crimes on his behalf. I could name dozens of them. I have been involved in solvingdozens of their felonious cases. But the criminals never turn King's evidence, they never betray their master. He is never there when the crimes are committed. But tonight, tonight he will be there. I know it. My studies of case histories have led me to this conclusion. I know that I am right.’
    ‘Quite so,’ I said. ‘I am sorry if I misled you into believing that I harboured any doubts.’
    ‘He will be there tonight, and I will have him. Tonight, a seemingly impossible crime will be committed at the British Museum. I will be there to see how it is done. Then I will capture the criminal mastermind – or destroy him, if need be.’
    ‘Ah,’ I said. ‘Destroy?’
    ‘If need be,’ said my companion.
    ‘You brought your ray gun with you, then?’
    ‘Of course.’ Mr Bell patted a pocket.
    ‘And dare I ask if—’
    ‘Ask away.’
    The hansom made an alarming lurch and I said, ‘Dynamite.’
    ‘I have taken the sensible precaution of bringing along a few sticks in case they are required.’
    I groaned dismally, but silently.
    ‘Do not worry,’ said Mr Bell. ‘I am well prepared.’
    ‘But,’ I said, for I felt that I must, ‘it is the British Museum. It is filled with wonderful, beautiful things. Please do not blow up the British Museum, please, Mr Bell, oh please.’
    Mr Bell smiled as to offer me comfort. ‘It is a sturdy building,’ he said. ‘Have no fear for its collapse.’
    ‘But the wonderful, beautiful things—’
    ‘Let us hope it will not prove necessary.’
    ‘But it always proves necessary to your reasoning.’
    I noticed a certain twinkle come into the eyes of Mr Bell,for most surely this fellow's love for explosions was equal to his love for justice. I sighed deeply and inwardly and prayed to my chosen deity that the British Museum would still remain standing after our departure from it.
    And also that the rain might stop.
    The driver raised the little hatch and called down, ‘British Museum, guv'nor.’
    The British Museum truly was a beautiful building and it was my dearest hope that it would remain so.
    Built in that neoclassical style so popular during the reign of Queen Victoria, designed by Sir Robert Smirke and containing no fewer than eight million artefacts