The Case of the Invisible Dog Read Online Free

others. And the other two had missing commas in their replies. You, however, did not. You know your grammar, and that is a dying art. Indeed, most of my favorite things in this life either are currently, or soon will become, dying arts.” She punctuated this observation with a wistful sigh, gazing at a point somewhere behind my left ear. After a protracted pause, she abruptly jerked back to the present moment, once again focusing intently on my face. I shifted in my seat, uncomfortable with that intensity. “I had, therefore, a favorable impression of you before you walked in this door,” she continued, still grinning at me with her disconcerting Cheshire Cat smile.
    I had Aunt Ilene to thank for my mastery of commas. She had been a high school English teacher. After I went to live with her, she used to go through all my homework, editing everything until I knew my commas and semicolons backward and forward. She also used to make me send handwritten thank-you notes for birthday parties, Christmas presents, etc. They didn’t go into the envelope until she had pronounced them acceptable. That accounted for my penmanship.
    “On that basis alone I had high hopes for you,” Shirley went on. “But I had a second test: making you sit and wait. There was no explanation given, and no one to provide any guidance. So you did the sensible thing. You waited for an appropriate amount of time, you checked my letter to make sure that you hadn’t gotten the date or time wrong, and then you set a limit. If I did not have the courtesy to come out and greet you within that amount of time, you intended to leave. Am I right? I thought so,” she said as I nodded my head in dumb wonder. “And no, I do not have special powers of some kind, although it might seem so. I watched you through the keyhole on my door and employed the keen art of observation and my thorough knowledge of human nature. Voilá! The mystery is solved.
    An image flickered through my mind of Shirley crouched on the floor, her eyeball glued to the keyhole as I sat playing Angry Birds. I would have laughed at the visual if it weren’t so unsettling.
    “To continue,” she resumed, as I tried to absorb the force of her personality and still follow what she was saying. “Your last action was my final test. I was curious to see whether you would simply leave in disgust, or knock on my door to give me a piece of your mind, even though my door clearly had a Do Not Disturb sign posted. You chose the latter, which shows that you have some spirit in you despite your tendency toward courtesy—a most wonderful balance.
    “Hence, you are the perfect candidate for this position, and you are hired. Report to work tomorrow morning promptly at nine o’clock. In my office, we honor the traditional nine-to-five workday as often as possible. Such an efficient, yet humane, way to divide our time between work and family and whatever other interests we wish to pursue. For myself, that would include intellectual and cultural pursuits. For you it is, I am sure, matters much more mundane. Favorite television programs, the latest celebrity gossip, and the like. Be that as it may, you should have the time to pursue such interests. And now, as our business is completed, good day to you.”
    I truly had no idea what she was talking about for much of that conversation, other than the fact that I had somehow managed to fool this odd woman into believing I was a sensible person with good personality traits. And that I had just acquired a job with regular hours that paid well and didn’t involve smiling at cranky, hungry people all night long. That was good enough for me.
    —
    My cousin Anna and I went out to dinner that night to celebrate. I almost wished that I hadn’t called to give her the good news. But she would have been really hurt if I hadn’t. I wanted to go home and watch bad movies and eat comfort food, but Anna insisted on taking me out. She is hopeful about the progress I’ve made