The Blood of an Englishman Read Online Free Page A

might be useful to me?”
    â€œNot really. Of course there were a lot of squabbles amongst the cast. Like a professional company, we have our fair share of prima donnas.”
    â€œWho, for example?”
    He furrowed his brow and then burst out laughing. “The lot of them, I think.”
    â€œSo was the late Bert the cause of any of these squabbles?”
    â€œLet me see. Pixie wanted the green smoke cancelled because she said it made her cough. Bert called her an old frump and she went into hysterics. Wait a bit! She shouted out something about did his wife know who he was screwing.”
    â€œTo which he replied?”
    â€œâ€˜If I were married to a used-up bit of shit like you, I might think of being unfaithful to my wife. But I’m not so why don’t you…’ Well, you can guess the rest.”
    â€œAnyone else?”
    â€œGeorge Southern, the comedian, was going to take Bert to court. George put a whoopee cushion in the trap so that when Bert made his exit at one rehearsal there was the sound of a loud fart. He came roaring back up like the pantomime demon he’s supposed to be and punched George on the nose. It was all soothed over.”
    â€œDear me, so many suspects. I’ve lost my programme. Have you got a spare?”
    â€œRight here.” He handed her one.
    â€œIt’s quite a small cast,” said Agatha. “The principals, I mean. Mother Hubbard is someone called Bessie Burdock. There seemed to be no storyline at all. There was one scene where Mother Hubbard chases the schoolchildren who did that tap dancing thing, in and out of a large cardboard shoe. Then Jack hands her some beans and she chases him as well. No beanstalk. Jack threatened by giant and saved by Puss in Boots played by Pixie. Double role?”
    â€œYes, she played Red Riding Hood as well.”
    â€œBlimey! Who played the wolf? Not mentioned here.”
    â€œThe wolf changed his mind and said he would not be associated with such rubbish.”
    â€œAnd he is?”
    â€œThe English teacher at Mircester High School.”
    â€œAnd did he quarrel with Bert?”
    â€œYes. Told him the whole panto was an ego trip for Bert. If you remember, Bert makes an entrance and exit by the trap, but other times he simply walks on stage.”
    â€œAnd was that part of the nonexistent plot?”
    â€œWell, no.”
    â€œBut as the producer, surely you could have stopped him?”
    â€œHe said if I did, he would say I had been diddling one of the school kids. You know all the scandals at the BBC at the moment with everyone coming out of the woodwork to say they were sexually assaulted? Well, mud sticks. I couldn’t risk it. I’ll never produce another panto for them again.”
    â€œWhat happened to the last producer?”
    â€œHe died of a heart attack.”
    â€œI heard you had a flaming row with Bert,” said Agatha cautiously. “Was that about the slander?”
    â€œYes.”
    â€œDidn’t threaten to kill him or anything like that?”
    â€œI did. So you see how terribly important it is for you to find the murderer.”
    â€œI’ll do my best. Now, murders are usually committed by the nearest and dearest.”
    â€œYou can forget that one,” said Gareth, turning red. “Gwen Simple is a saint and the son, a quiet, well-mannered boy.”
    â€œYou know the family well?”
    â€œI knew Gwen before she was married. I would have proposed to her myself, but I was married at the time and Bert snapped her up.”
    No hope here, thought Agatha. He’s obviously still carrying a torch for Gwen.
    Aloud, she said, “I think it’s time you introduced me to the blacksmith.”
    â€œI’ll get my coat.”
    *   *   *
    The blacksmith was shoeing a horse. “We’d better wait until he’s finished,” said Gareth. “The work used to be done by a farrier, but he died a few