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and just a little bit
broody.  His eyes smouldered when he looked at her and her heart never failed
to miss a beat.  He stroked her silken cheek and smoothed her raven hair behind
her ear.  His full lips were approaching hers at an alarming pace and …’
     
    Damn, the phone
was ringing just as I was getting to a juicy part and I bet I wouldn’t be able
to get back into my groove again later.
     
    I knew the second
I answered it that is was Mia.  As a mum of two kids under five, her phone
calls were always interspersed with screams, cries, silence and ‘ don’t do
thats’ .  It was a bit like talking to Joyce Grenfell.
     
    I waited
patiently, knowing that she’d come onto the line just as soon as she’d dealt
with whichever domestic catastrophe had reared its ugly head.  Eventually I
heard a small voice.  ‘Auntie Percy?  Mummy says bugger, de pasta is boiled
over and she be here soon.  I got a new hat today and Jo Jo did a poo in it. How’s
Bogey?’
     
    Conversations
with five year old Isla always went like this and often left me wondering how
certain things managed to happen in Mia’s house.  I mean, a poo in a hat ? 
What was the story there?
     
    I knew to answer
quickly and succinctly.  Isla had the concentration of a gnat.  ‘Bogey is very
well thank you and he sends his love.  How did the poo get in the hat,
Isla?’
     
    I heard a little chuckle
at the end of the line.  ‘Don’t be silly, Auntie Percy.  Cats can’t send love
and I told you Jo Jo put the poo there.  Byee!’
     
    None the wiser, I
waited for Mia to pick up the phone.  I could hear her approaching, kitten
heels clicking on her perfect wooden floors and calling out, ‘Coming Perce!  Jo
Jo, put your trousers back on or you won’t watch ‘In the Night Garden’ before
bed.  Isla, help him will you?  We’ll get you another hat tomorrow so you don’t
have to wear the stinky one.’  Breathless, she spoke into the receiver, ‘Hi,
you!  Sorry about that, I’d forgotten about my pasta.  You OK?’
     
    I filled her in briefly
on the pitiful state of my love life and bank balance and then told her I’d
almost finished my novel.
     
    ‘Oh sorry about
Adam, I quite liked him.  What a dick!  But great about your book!  Email it
over - I could do with a bit of romance in my life.  James has been working so
hard lately, I barely see him.  But … we are taking one his clients out
for a meal tomorrow night and … he’s single too.  Fancy coming along?  You
never know, he could be the one !’
     
    Mia was a
hopeless romantic and wanted everyone to be as happy as she was.  Married to
her childhood sweetheart, she had no concept that love could be a rocky road.  She’d
planned her wedding outfit and hat for every man I’d ever dated and she
wouldn’t rest until she saw me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen with the
man of my dreams.
     
    The idea of a
blind date filled me with dread and I told her as much.
     
    ‘Don’t think of
it as a date then.  Just dinner with your oldest friends and a potential new
one.  DO NOT DO THAT!  Oooh sorry, Perce, not you.  Jo Jo was trying to stick a
marble in his ear.  Every orifice is being tested right now and I really don’t
fancy A&E again.  We were there for four hours last week with a Lego brick
up his nostril.  So tomorrow?  See you at eight at ‘The Bay Leaf’.  ISLA!  Put
him down, NOW!’
     
    And she was gone. 
I was left with a dead phone and a sinking feeling.  Whichever way Ilooked
at it, it was a blind date.  A set-up.  He’d be introduced to Mia and think, ‘Wow!
Hope the friend’s as cute as her’ and then he’d meet me and think, ‘ Great. 
A whole night of this to get through.’
     
    I knew all too
well the giveaway look and the signs.  I’d cringed my way through enough
evenings knowing that I was the runner-up prize.  Or on a really bad night -
the booby prize.
     
    I just didn’t think
I had the energy for it any